This world is a hideous, ugly, diseased place. And yet I can't help but catch glimpses of how beautiful it could have been. If I think about everything I have been through in brief and yet so very long life, I recoil in horror. Having experienced selfishness, lust, betrayal, egoism, cruelty and virtually anything that is ugly and horrible, having been mentally nearly destroyed by people who wanted me to believe something untrue at any cost, inflicting lasting scars willingly and knowingly. Exposed to a world which doesn't care about anything but itself. Which can only look away from its mirror long enough to cast a quick, uncaring glance at its surroundings.
There is nothing to strife for in this world but selfish gain. Yes, humans are selfish by nature, yet there's a difference between practicing it in a destructive or constructive manner. The former won't do anyone any good in the long term. It's only the latter kind which has kept this world together for as long as it has. The middle ages is a perfect example of this.
After all my whining and obsessing about my body and my traumas I have come to realize that nobody truly cares about it. Even with the specialists who are supposed to help me there's only this uncaring, unfeeling attitude. I have attempted to find a therapist the past few weeks would could help me with my traumas, only to find that no one accepts new patients and nobody gives a damn about the seriousness of my case. I'm being excluded in favor of someone who didn't get enough hugs when he was young and is now having issues due to it.
Three hospitals have caused me more emotional damage than I thought I could survive. Nearly five years of searching for the truth, only to find that no one but myself cares about it. Even now I'm feeling neglected, just a mere number at the latest hospital. Yet despite what I may say or think, or do or decide, nobody will give a damn. I just have to shut up and wait until someone tells me what to do. Just wait in line. Wait until your appointment. Wait until you decide it's enough. I may be the most rare medical case they have ever seen at the UMCG, yet nobody is going to get excited about it, let alone help me.
It's not going well with me. Everywhere I look I see the world's hideousness, in the families I see walking on the streets, on TV, in advertisements, in the things people do, in retarded things like social networking sites and 'social' activities. It's all self-gratification, not being able to think ahead more than perhaps two weeks and not giving a damn about others, not even one's 'friends', whom one will betray in a heartbeat if it leads to one's personal gain. It's all so ugly.
People only caring about the food they eat, the movies they watch, with whom and how often they have sex, whether or not they'll hire a stripper for the next bachelors party, whether to spend this years bonus on a new car or second house. It's only them, them and what they can accomplish right now to make themselves feel happy. Few couples really give a damn about the other, hence the nearly 100% divorce rate within a few years after marriage and the dozens of girl- and boyfriends one works through.
What is beautiful is science and technology and the people behind it, especially those truly striving to better the world for not only themselves. People who truly care about what happens to some remote village in the Amazons instead of whining about how expensive the wood from there has become. People who feel horrible about women and young girls suffering mental and physical abuse in backwards cultures, often with them ending up being exploited, and truly wanting to do something about it. Not people who travel to Thailand and pay for an hour with some underage girl who is being treated like dirt by her 'owner.
It's not people who sell or freely offer their body, or make use of such 'services'. It's not people who can not control the base urges of sex, violence, food and self-gratification. It's not people who see only what is right in front of them and have never considered the bigger picture. They're the hideous, cancerous growths which cover most of this world.
Finding people who are truly beautiful inside is hard, and I'm grateful that I have found at least a few, people who have displayed a level of selflessness not often encountered, even if they're not perfect. It's a reminder that a person like me who through circumstances has missed so many opportunities and suffered so much abuse at the hands of ugly people still has some straws to reach out for, even if they never lead to a shore and even if one could never build a raft out of them.
This world truly is disgusting.