Devoiced

Last night I didn't sleep very well, waking up repeatedly until 5.30 AM when I began to feel less and less sleepy while trying to catch a few more Zzz's. Gradually the headache/pressure I have been feeling pretty much every waking moment for months now got worse, until I began to feel immobilized again. With some effort I attempted to get out of bed at which point I discovered I couldn't walk any more, so I crawled to the door of my room to get to Pieter's bedroom for help. I just managed to open the door until it was slightly ajar when my strength failed me and I spent at least a few minutes lying there on the floor until Pieter came downstairs.

At first he didn't think that it was any different from my usual emotional crashes, but I noticed when he asked me what had happened that while I wanted to answer, I couldn't. All I could was utter sounds. Even when I was feeling better after crying in pain and frustration for a while, I still could feel this... pressure or pain inside my head which made everything I tried to say sound garbled. I could making mewing and other simple noises, but it took me minutes, after Pieter had managed to get me back into my bed, before I could with a lot of effort speak a little again, by forcing out each syllable separately.

It wasn't until Pieter told me that he'd take the day off from his work to find a solution for whatever ailed me that some part of me, probably the part which detests burdening others with my issues, managed to break through the blockade.

I updated my therapist on what had happened right away, and he was pretty shocked. He suggested a few possible causes, including psychosomatic and physical causes. A temporary paralysis due to hysteria seems like the most probable cause to me, though, as emotional stress appears to have a significant effect on me, with this pressure and pain I feel inside being virtually directly linked to the amount of stress I experience at a given moment.

As promised, Pieter checked today how I could get my first name changed, made a phone call and after I got called back during lunch time I now have an appointment on the 22nd this month with a lawyer for an intake appointment. I'll have to take a letter with me describing exactly why I want to have my first name changed, and the entire process will cost me 308 Euro, which is considerably less because the government will pay most of the lawyer costs, with just 100 Euro being for my account. I think I'll be able to cough this up, I'm more concerned with how long the entire process is going to take. I'm thinking months.


Maya