Monday, 8 March 2010

The Other Me Who Isn't Me

Last night I was feeling pretty exhausted. By the time we left the swimming pool yesterday morning I wasn't feeling particularly happy or energetic. Maybe it was the first Lord of the Rings movie we had been watching the previous day, of which even this extended version can't safe it from being an embarrassingly bad movie, even if one were to ignore the LotR connection. It's not even 'good bad' like for example the Conan or Red Sonja movies, but just 'bad bad'.

Anyway, on our way back to home from the pool we had to drop off one of Pieter's friends at his girlfriend's place. I didn't know this in advance so the drive back home was really awkward and I did my best to ignore and suppress any thoughts related to relationships. It just hurts so bloody much.

After dinner began to feel quite down and just tired. Not physically, just emotionally drained. Before I went to bed I cried a bit while Pieter comforted me, yet I was feeling so totally raw and painful inside that I couldn't let it really out. Thankfully I could take a sleeping pill this night so I didn't have to worry about not being able to sleep or suffer night terrors.

What happened the next morning was just plain weird and even scary, though. I woke up feeling okay, chatted with Pieter as he prepared to go to his work, had breakfast and everything just my normal morning routine. I'm not sure when things changed, but it was very gradual. After a while I noticed that I was acting very impulsive, very irrational and most of all very angry. At first I thought I was just a bit tired, then I decided to do a bit of administrative work, yet when attempted to do some taxes and it turned out that the Windows application the tax office wants me to use for it was broken, probably because they were idiotic enough to configure their webserver to send it to me in ASCII instead of binary format, I became so frustrated that I hardly recognized myself any more.

It was like I had become another person, someone who only wanted to take out its anger on things, if I as the rational mind hadn't been somewhat in control still, I'm pretty sure I would have regretted the damage done afterwards. Now only some forms and an air freshener's plastic enclosure had to suffer. At this point I forced myself to go to bed and sleep it off.

When I woke up it was the same old story; I could more or less remember what had happened, but it didn't feel like I, as the person I am right now, had done any of it. All I could feel was this headache which comes and goes, but is particularly bad when I'm being stressed on something emotional. It does somewhat remind me of the symptoms surrounding a multiple personalities disorder, although there each personality has more or less completely separate memories. Stress is a possible cause of MPD.

At any rate, I still managed to make today somewhat productive when I figured out how to do synchronization between two independent SQL databases in a brainstorm session with Trevor. The morning was pretty much a waste, with the little I did while 'changing', and with the 3-hour 'nap' afterwards.

What is also positive is that I got an email comment from someone who had changed her first name and inspired me to do the same. She also knew more about the details behind the law change which should make it possible to change my official gender. This week Pieter will check for me what it'll take and what the options are regarding the name change. It would be pretty awesome already to not have to bear my official name like some kind of mark identifying me as a freak. After that it's just a matter before I can do the same with the official gender on my birth certificate and no longer have to suffer this continuous embarrassment.

Today I sent an email to my therapist, Engel Vrouwe, informing him of how badly things were going for me, with the UMCG having broken off contact to all appearances and my increasing number of dark/suicidal moods. He tried to cheer me up, also by not denying that this society has no place for people like me. It feels good that he really understands the pain I feel, where most others would tell me that things really aren't that bad.

What this world needs is more honesty and less false hope and deception.


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