Friday, 20 August 2010

Life's Many Sides

Yesterday afternoon I had another student visit me. I had met her via an international social networking site, and as it turned out she was living in Amsterdam, just a short distance from where I live. She first contacted me after reading my profile on that site and expressed her admiration for being so frank about everything. Fun part is that she is from the UK and has been studying here for just two years, so I got a chance to really practice speaking English again. I'm quite sure I didn't too bad.

As usual, talking about the things which really bother me in my life drained me quite a great deal, so I ended up going to bed early, only to find myself unable to fall asleep with me going over parts of the conversation that day. I didn't feel exactly happy either, slowly slipping back into the mood I have when I'm tired and somewhat depressed, during which I find myself longing for the oblivion of death. It wasn't until I had a chance to soak Pieter's shirt with tears and trash around a bit while I unleashed my frustrations and pain that I was finally able to fall asleep.

It's basically the same thing when I'm talking to others: I feel jealous of the things they can do and experience which I can't. I find myself frustrated at the sluggish pace at which my medical case is being treated, with the appointment for the urological examination at the UMCG hospital being postponed this week by another week, making it October 4th when I'll be made either very happy with a conclusive explanation for my body's weirdness or it'll be just more inconclusive junk or lies which will cause me to lose any desire to live for at least a few weeks.

During the conversation yesterday I noticed again that everything for me seems to be about getting those facts about my body, including what the heck is up with this existent/non-existent prostate, and whether I do or do not have a vagina and if not what in heaven's name it is what I have down there in that case. At least when we're talking about anything related to my body, which includes socializing, relationships and sexuality. That's the side of life I just can not accept, can't deal with and would much prefer not to exist at all at this point.

Last Wednesday I was reading the fourth book in the Anita Blake series I mentioned before, and Pieter must have forgotten about one section in it, because a pornographic scene was described in detail in it, causing me to instantly feel sick and miserable for the rest of the evening. So much for reading that series. I was even just beginning to like it somewhat.

I just checked today's date and realized we're already approaching the end of August. Just a little while longer to my birthday on September 4th which I'd rather skip because I have nothing to celebrate at this point. Maybe next year I'll actually feel okay with another year having passed instead of it sending me spiraling straight into a suicidal depression.

This date also means that Trevor and I have to get a playable version of TileWars ready soon if we want to get it ready for release by the end of next month. As my welfare runs out by the end of next month it seems kind of crucial to have something to show for all the money they have given me, and to gain some financial stability. I do wonder whether they'll want the money back as a loan since the company isn't bankrupt, or that they'll think of something else. So far the company isn't running a profit, let alone show any significant kind of revenue, so it's more like a zombie company at this point. I do hope I won't have to go through any financial troubles due to a lack of results.

I could use a break on so many fronts...


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