This morning I posted the following on my Facebook profile:
"I guess what I long for is to be part of a warm, loving family/group of people. My own family is neither, except for my mother and brothers. Friends I have never had in this country for some reason. I will leave this country with few regrets, hoping to get some of the warmth and love I have never known in my new country."
Yesterday a friend of my mother offered to get me into contact with some family members of her who live in Australia. They're a few years older than me and have been in the Netherlands as well, so they should be able to understand my situation somewhat. A letter was written since this friend of my mother doesn't use a computer let alone internet and therefore doesn't have any email addresses or such things. No problem, it'll just take about a week to get the letter and a couple of my business cards to South-Australia :)
One of the things which terrifies me about migrating is that of ending up in yet another place where I have to fight for everything. My life so far has consisted out of following the path I was supposed to follow until everything derailed after finishing high school and I have been drifting about with a clear sense of where I want to go, but without the ability to get there. Meanwhile everything kept falling apart around me, with my parents divorcing, a number of moves, and of course my run-in with the fantastic healthcare in this country.
There are some parts of my early youth which I fondly remember, but they're few and get scarcer as my memories become more recent until it's all a blur of confusion and pain. The comfort of a loving and warm family and/or group of friends is something I have never truly experienced beyond a few small glimpses.
Part of this is because of my family, both from my father's and mother's side. Neither consists out of very tight or warm families, further illustrated by examples such as that of one of my cousins who committed suicide a number of years ago due to getting abused sexually for many years by an uncle. Now she is dead because she didn't get support from her family or the justice system in this sickening country, and the person responsible is still walking around, free to continue his actions. This is the kind of warmth and loving one can expect in this country and from its inhabitants.
And I'm sick of it.
I am sick of seeing people being unhappy. I am sick of people treating me like I'm some kind of freak. I am sick of having to apologize for my existence. I am sick of having to fight against the urge to end my own life as well because I feel so unwanted by my environment. I am sick of looking back at my life and getting depressed. I am sick of looking at my future and only feeling a bleak sense of despair.
Above all I am sick of being alone in everything.
My dearest wish at this point is to be welcomed in Australia. To have people help me get settled. To have a fun job there. To not have to explain my situation every time I have to show my ID. To have people help me with my intersex condition. To have friends with whom I can play videogames, work on projects or just have fun. To feel a part of a loving, warm group of people who genuinely care about me.
I like to think that I am a gentle, caring and sensitive person who only wants herself and others to be happy. So far this attitude towards life has just resulted in getting punished at every turn. Not understanding why being a good person gets me punished all the time is the main reason why I am having difficulty with hanging on to life. I mean, if just being myself is not accepted by my surroundings, then why would I keep trying?
In a sense everything at the moment comes down to the choice between staying here in this cold, unforgiving, intolerant and above all heavily prejudiced Netherlands and most likely die a tragic death at my own hands, or take a gamble, move to Australia and hope for the best.
All I hope for is that being a kind, intelligent and skilled person is enough to help me survive over there.
Please let it be true...
Maya
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