Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Why I Am Still In Mortal Danger, Or Help, I Don't Want To Die

The first time I tried to commit suicide was in 2009, when after about four years I had to acknowledge that it was unlikely that I would be receiving medical help. I tried strangulation, but failed and afterwards I learned to suppress the sadness, rage, anger, fear and other negative emotions associated with getting persecuted for having the nerve to be myself. The persecution and my despair at it only got worse after that.

January of this year I tried to commit suicide again, this time with an overdose of sleeping pills. The reasons were multiple. First the same reasons as for the first attempt, combined with me losing what I at that moment considered to be my home. I survived this attempt as well and tried to find a solution to my situation, eventually acknowledging that I was being persecuted and that my only option was to leave this country.

The past few days I hadn't been feeling all too well. For weeks I have had this strange, nauseating headache, probably induced by the stress caused by all the uncertainties regarding whether I'll be able to make it out of this country alive or not. After multiple weeks of trying to arrange things and only have a temporary visa to show for it, I have zero faith in me actually getting out of this alive.

PTSD flashbacks have been getting worse. I often find myself back in jail, experiencing the despair of utter hopelessness. Then I snap out of it and realize that my current situation isn't much better. I'm completely at the mercy of others at this point, and they at least to me seem more than happy to let me rot in this jail called the Netherlands. Every shred of hope I cling to gets ripped away. It now seems unlikely that I'll be able to get a job in Australia. The family of this friend of my mother hasn't responded after weeks, even after me sending an email myself, probably because they don't want to deal with a freak like me. Maybe it's all inside my head, and everything will turn out fine, but I can say without lying that nothing up till this point has worked out and that my situation has only grown increasingly more desperate.

Last night I went to bed feeling kind of down. I had been suffering from terrible pains in my wrists and hands that day to the point where I had to take double my normal dose of painkillers to deal with it. Once in bed I began to slip into a flashback-like state, which wasn't a flashback. I was imagining committing suicide by stabbing myself with a knife. I could feel everything, find myself longing to carry this out for real, and not finding myself rejecting the idea at all.

I tried to fight against this idea, but it literally is like fighting a bear. It is that I don't bruise easily, or my entire chest would be completely blue and black. All one can see of my struggles are the nail marks where I dug into the skin of my abdomen and tried to rip chunks out. It was so terrifying. I didn't know whether I was going to win this time. I so badly want to live, but it just doesn't seem possible. A third suicide attempt seems inevitable at this point, and I'm almost ready to surrender to the idea.

Yesterday a friend sent out a message on Twitter asking for people to find me a job and safety in Australia, but it was already the second time she did this. I am not expecting anything of it. Everybody around me will just keep living their lives which really aren't that bad, even if they complain a lot about it.

I am disgusted with my body. It's not human. I can not place it. It's not accepted. It's not acceptable. I can't see my own family as such, because they are normal, and I am some kind of alien freak.

It would probably be best if I did kill myself for real this time. I'm just futily keeping myself going with the razor-thin veil of hope that people around me do want me to exist. If I commit suicide it is because I'll be convinced that everybody wants me to die, or doesn't care one bit about my existence. Why do I have to die again? What is my crime? Clearly this body is the reason why I have to die, and my crime is existing. Obviously. I wonder why I didn't see this before?

I fuckin' hate this all...



Jed said...

Maya I am becoming increasingly concerned with you posts of late.
Please, I ask that you seek out some professional help with a psychiatrist.

Never give up hope that there's a solution to a problem.
Your idea of what constitutes a solution can & may shift over time.

You have to set less rigid expectations on yourself, & what you "think" society is imposing on you.

Please stop being so hard on yourself.
I'm sure there's people around you that care deeply for you.
Reach out to them, be frank and honest with them about "all" your thoughts/feelings, not just in this blog.

Jed said...

I've read your "why I'm leaving ned" post & now I understand why you're feeling the way you are in this latest post.

I also realise it was prolly silly of me to suggest psychiatric help. As no doubt you've already been doing that for a long time now!

All I can say is please try to remain positive.
I know that's easier said than done but you're a remarkable individual. So Australia would be very lucky to have you as a citizen!

All the best,

Maya Posch said...

Hi Jed,

Yeah, asking for help in the first place was what caused all the problems. Instead of helping me they tried to brainwash me into believing various things, while actively denying me help.

I'm as positive as it gets. All I need is a bit of positive news every day to help keep me going. I would love to contribute to the Australian economy and its communities. I just want a place where I am welcome.

Jed said...

I think you'll love Australia, but don't pin all your hopes on it.

There's no doubt it's one of the greatest countries on the planet when it comes QOL (so long a you find a rewarding job/career).

But it's far from perfect...
Like every country it has it's flaws & ugly sides.

I've lived in quite a few different countries, so I know that from experience.

But you'd have pry my Australian passport from my dead/cold hands before id give it up.

I "know" you have the strength of character to pull yourself through, & fight-off the demons confronting you.

Good luck!

Maya Posch said...

People often seem to assume that I expect Australia to be some kind of heaven. I'm not sure where in the world they get that notion from, since I have never said I have such expectations. All I know is that on a couple of very relevant points Australia will be far healthier for me.

Trust me, after getting persecuted for over half a decade, the only way it could get worse is if I get stoned to death for having the nerve to be born like this.

I'm pretty sure that won't happen in Australia :)

Jed said...

I'm quite certain it won't too! ;)

Maya Posch said...

It better not! :o

Jed said...

One of Australia's highest profile politicians nowadays (assistant treasurer of the opposition)
is from your part of the world.

He's actually Belgian born...
But has an accent that's quite similar to folks from the Netherlands :)
He's 40 and immigrated here 15rs ago.

It's quite odd listening to one of our leading politicians, when he still has quite a broad Flemish accent.

But kinda cool too :)
Anyhow I digress massively.

Maya Posch said...

Australia is very weird and interesting. No wonder Aussies rarely take things very seriously ;)

On a related note, I really hope that my accent isn't that atrocious. People in Canada had no trouble understanding me, nor did the British girl I dated for a bit, so I'm hopeful :o

Jed said...

Yeah fundamental rule is everyone gets a "fair go"...

I've never found the Dutch or most of the Germanic accents very hard to understand...

But most Scottish variants are freaking atrocious!
My sister's married to a Scotsman, he had a hard time communicating for ages.
But he never found it hard to understand what Australians were saying to him... weird.

I recall reading once, that the Australian accent (it's most common variant) is actually the easiest English accent to understand. Even more so than any of the variants in England!
I can't recall the basis for the claim now, it could be entirely wrong.

Your gay? I didn't realise that.
Makes things even more complicated!
LOL jk! :)

Maya Posch said...

I think Australian English sounds kind of funny. Somewhat reminiscent of British English, but with a 'lazy' twist. I like it :)

And I'm bi-sexual with a preference for girls :P Hoping to catch a nice Aussie lass with my sexy Dutch accent ;)

Jed said...

Well then...
I wish you luck with the ladies & your sexy Dutch accent! ;)

Pretty much 100% rights to gay couples in the eyes of the law here.

The only thing not changed yet,
Is the fact that gay couples can't be "married" in the eyes of the law.

They can have "civil unions" or whatever else they want to call it. Just not officially "married".

I think that effects their rights with regards to property laws to some extent.
But I believe there's reforms under-way to rectify that.

Maya Posch said...

Thank you :) I'm not the marriage type anyway :P

First things first... getting to Oz, settling there and somehow making things work. There's the matter of an asylum request and such as well to consider. The fun will have to wait until later, sadly :(

Jed said...

Aren't there other avenues of application other than "asylum"?

I'm sure you'd have better luck with applying for a work visa, under one of the skilled intake programs!?

Maya Posch said...

I got a working holiday visa approved already, just no job in Oz yet to support me financially. That's the only thing keeping me from leaving right away :)

I'm just thinking that if I can't get a job, then requesting asylum might be the proper avenue.

Jed said...

Frankly I think asylum's going to be a very tough nut to crack.

If you're successful...
Longer-term it may be smoother than applying for a work visa -> perm residency/citizenship.

But def. harder to get in the 1st instance.

Maya Posch said...

An Aussie friend has sent an email earlier this week to an intersexual politician in Melbourne to get some information and such on asylum requests in cases like mine. He noted that he couldn't find any previous cases, making my case quite unique.

Frankly, I have no clue what is going to work and what is the best way. I have never done anything like this before. All I am familiar with is fighting with people who don't give a damn about me or my situation. That's why I need others to help me so much to figure things out. I'm clueless. Don't ask me questions. I only got blank stares :)

Jed said...

Oh I see...
I think the trick is to try get a different class of working visa.

I could be entirely wrong, but I think there's another type aside from "working holiday visa".

This one usually requires sponsorship from an interested employer.

Anyway, i'm sure you've done your homework.
I leave you in peace now!

Maya Posch said...

Yeah, but I'd need to find someone to sponsor me first, which is proving to be very difficult.

Altogether it might be easier to get into Australia using the working holiday visa, to then request asylum once I'm there.

Maybe. *wanders off in confusion*

Jed said...

Auran was just one name that came from the cavernous recesses of my mem, god knows why.
Turns out they're now dead, and owned by the above co.

Surely there's dozens & dozens of other decent game devs in Oz.
That's your biggest passion/interest when it come to work right?

You certainly don't seem unskilled in that area.
I'm sure some of them would be "extremely keen" to sponsor you!

Jed said...

Actually I think these guys are publishers only.
Not sure if that's still of interest.

Maya Posch said...

I'm interested in any job that is geeky enough, whether it's programming, hardware design or something else.

Not sure about working for a publisher, though :)

Jed said...

Might just have to lower your standards a bit for a while?

Maya Posch said...

Oh, I'm willing to try anything. Okay, almost anything :) This publisher doesn't seem to be hiring, though. Can't even seem to find a jobs link on the site.

Jed said...

Employers often won't have jobs advertised directly on their site.

They're usually on big job portals like
There's dozens of other such portals in Australia.

You should read-up more on this site

If you pique an employers interest.
You don't want to scare them away by not being clued-up on how they're going to get you here.

First you need to find out from the dept whether there's any programs actively seeking people with your skill-set.
And if there isn't, is there still some way you can seek sponsorship.

If there's not, then you could try the other avenue you're already pursuing *shrugs*

Okay defo gotta go, ciao!

Maya Posch said...

I got those things worked out already, and I have had a profile on SeekIT for weeks now. Not sure what else I could do there :)


Anonymous said...

Poor Maya, I hope you feel better soon :(