Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Disconnect. Pain. Nausea. Progress.

Not much I can say at the moment. I'm feeling extremely nauseous at the moment again. This in addition to the constant headache I have been afflicted with since last week. For too many days now I have been feeling weak, irritable, restless and apprehensive. The flashbacks of all the terrible things which have happened to me in this horrible country are becoming more and more frequent and stronger. My escape from here is coming closer, but so very slowly.

I'm still hunting for a job in Australia, and although I realize it's only been about two weeks since I started with it, it's so incredibly hard to keep up the hope that it'll work out. It's the only thing I'm waiting for now. Everything else, be it housing and such can be arranged with relative ease, but a job... nobody likes hunting for a job, and neither do I. The only thing I can be grateful for is that Australia doesn't have this fascination with pieces of paper which say that you possess certain skills, but instead favour proven, real-life skills over them.

The money from my insurance company which they still owe me for the electrolysis therapy seems to be coming closer as well. Today I received a letter from them indicating that thanks to specifying 'transsexuality' instead of 'intersexuality' it had passed through the first selection stage and had been handed to a medical advisor. The only thing they want from me is a price quote. I talked with my beautician about this, and she told me that this doesn't really work since the kind of therapy I'm receiving doesn't really have a fixed or easily predicted duration. I got her a phone number at the insurance company after she said she'd call them for me. Waiting for the results now.

Meanwhile the pain in my wrists and hands hasn't relented yet. When they're not hurting I can notice that I lack strength in both hands, especially when grasping something, or making a fist. Nerve damage sucks. It's also a very stringent and most real reminder that my life is under a far too real threat while I'm in this country. I'm terrified of doing anything to further provoke the forces that be in this country lest the cops decide to have another go at me. Above all it reminds me that whether I'm in or outside a police cell, as long as I'm inside this country, there is no significant difference. Either way I'm trapped.

The past few days I have begun to feel more and more disconnected from the world around me. Part of me has already escaped to Australia, it seems. It makes me feel torn and in some ways confused. I hope that I soon get that job and I can begin to make final arrangements for my departure.

As I look outside while I'm typing this, I can see a rainbow in the rainy skies. I hope it's a good sign.


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