Thursday, 23 June 2011

Fighting Back Terror And Uncertainty

On the practical side things are going relatively well. I have signed up with a couple of Australian recruitment agencies and am in the process of establishing contact with politicians there as well. With some luck I'll have that job in Australia within a month.

Physically and emotionally... not so well. I have the feeling that all the stress of the past six and a half years are finally catching up with me, making me feel more worn out than ever before. I have to constantly fight off visions of things going wrong before or after I arrive in Australia. There are so many doom scenarios to pick from, it's beyond terrifying. That's why I keep insisting that others should be helping me. I can't do this all by myself. It's just making things far too hard for me.

When one Australian friend helped me fill in the visa and pay for the request, it was already such a relief. I do not want to let others do everything, I just don't want to feel like I'm struggling along by myself while everyone else is watching on smugly and pretending everything is fine. It's not. Every minute that I'm awake is a struggle. To believe in myself, to believe in this dream, to believe in things working out with a job, place to live and everything.

And of course there's the whole medical side. My disgust with sexuality and relationships has taken on a form I have never experienced before. It all leads to this intense fear I feel inside that I'll never receive help and acknowledgment for my intersexuality condition. That I'll be living in Australia and that it'll take years before I get a chance to have it examined, diagnoses and treated. Meanwhile I got lower abdominal pains caused by a partially descended testicle to further scare the heck out of me. I don't know whether leaving my intersex condition untreated will or will not shorten my lifespan and/or lead to nasty complications. I don't know, but it's so easy to find out. If I get help. That's why I feel so terrified.

I don't want to be left alone. Not in this situation. Not with this body. I want to feel like life is worth living, not to contemplate suicide every day, hour or even minute. I want to be useful to others, to humanity. To myself. I want to feel like I am human. I want to feel like it is okay to have a body like this. Because right now I absolutely do not think it's okay to have a body like this. I hate this body, and I hate this country which has made me loathe this cursed body.

I too want to sometimes feel at ease and do something as pleasurable and despicable as masturbating without feeling filled with hatred and loathing afterwards, in addition to fighting off flashbacks and thoughts of everything unpleasant and depressing. I don't want to remember getting raped, sexually assaulted, abused or dating the wrong people.

For now I can have none of this. People who say that this is not true are part of this mob who are smugly watching me struggle along this dark road. I want to yell and scream at these people, these shadows to go away, to leave me alone. I would prefer just the solitude over their mockery. I'm not human. I do not really exist. I get it. Now go away.

Above all I guess it will take time for me to regain my humanity once I'm in a safe place, which hopefully will be Australia. If I had to describe a story which closest matches my experiences of the past decades in this country, I would say Alice in Wonderland, but not the cutesy Disney version. Instead I'd point at the 1988 Czech movie rendition:

Nothing so far has made a lick of sense, same as in that movie, and I do not feel that I have been in a real world during any point. My life has been threatened repeatedly. My existence denied and persecuted. The whole world around me a mockery of life. It's beyond surreal and straight into undiluted horror.

All I want... all I long for is to have a house - a home, with a garden where I can sit quietly outside in the gentle sunlight, to then close my eyes and as I listen to the sounds of birds around me realize that everything, for the very first time in my life is right.

Not all dreams turn out to be lies. I wonder where mine will end up at once the dust has settled.


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