Last Monday I travelled to Germany for my work as I mentioned before. It was a pretty harrowing journey, with both the Dutch and German train systems giving me grief. In the end I arrived at my destination, however. I'm staying at a colleague's place, who is sharing it with a number of other people. It's a busy but kinda fun place. Today and yesterday I spent working at the office, preparing for the meeting with the people from BMW in Munich next week. I'm performing an analysis of the current application to be used for optimizations. It's pretty all right work, really.
It's the second time I'm here in this city of Karlsruhe. First time was early this year, when I was just being introduced into the company and to my current colleagues. Back then I didn't really know how things were going to end up or what would happen for me. After months filled with chaos and pain, shattered promises and the bitter taste of injustice in the Netherlands I find myself here in Germany with the knowledge that I am going to be living here soon. It's really more of a rational choice, though.
I don't know what use my emotional side is in this all. I still obviously do not have a proper self-image, with the requirement to adjust it regularly by analysing comments made by others as well as through observations in mirrors and the like. The insistence by Dutch 'specialists' that I am still just biologically male isn't helping here, nor the frequent addressing of me as 'sir' during phone calls. Earlier I took a shower, and the big mirror in the bathroom was quite hard to ignore. Do I see a female in the mirror? I don't know. Do I see a male? I don't know. I do know that I keep being afraid of people finding out and insulting or discriminating against me. I do not enjoy having this body in any way.
There's just a lot of uncertainty. Moving to what is still a quite unfamiliar country and city to me is tough enough. Not knowing what is awaiting me with a very uncertain future. I do want to find a happy future here, to end the uncertainty. I just don't know whether it's possible. I do know that I have been harming myself significantly by keeping up a brave face. I'm socializing as is expected from me. Yet do I really gain anything from it? I hear myself talking and joking as though there's nary a care in the world. It's as though I am two people, one extroverted personality and the introverted personality keeping to the background. Which one is really me?
Every day continues like this; filled with uncertainty and recollections living their own lives like cancerous growths. Everything emotional just hurts. Others being happy and apparently carefree shock me with this horribly bitter feeling I have come to loathe so much. All I seem to be able to do is feel horrible about myself, my body, my life and my future. Until I push it all away again for a while.
Today happens to be my birthday, but there's nothing joyous about it. I feel more pain, frustration and sadness than what should be compatible with life.
I wish I had never been born into this horrific, disgusting 'body'. Without it I could maybe have been happy.
I don't know... life has never felt entirely real to me. Any attempt to fully experience has always been blocked off. I still don't feel I ever grew past the emotional age of maybe 8 or 10 or so. Simply because I can't. I just fake it all via my intellect. I'm pretty sure that is the truth. Opening up my emotional side has been and still is impossible, as doing so would utterly destroy it. There are no nice people out there. It's only a cruel world where not being a stone-cold killer means signing your own death warrant.
Living for as much as possible in this surreal dream world, shielded by intellect, is how I can keep existing. Living in the illusion of happiness and a world where doing one's best actually means anything.
It still hurts so much, though...
Is there salvation? I have no idea. Most of my life seems to consist out of loss and people turning out to either forget about me, not providing promised help, or just outright hurting me. I do not think I can start trusting people any time soon. Until then, there's the constant expectation of betrayal and pain.
Happy birthday to me.