Saturday, 28 September 2013

Sexuality: Mind Versus Body

In the sciences it's a common saying that the best way to learn how something works is from a malfunctioning system. In many ways I as a human being with an unusual physiology can be considered an excellent research subject, specifically when it comes to sexuality and related. Things first went sideways for me as a young child, when I skipped the separation into 'boys' and 'girls' around age five. After that I similarly got stuck physically during puberty between 'male' and 'female' when both male and female secondary characteristics began to develop. Combined with the lack of any emotional development due to this, I never really got into this whole 'sexuality' thing.

While I was aware of how things were supposed to work due to both scientific and less scientific 'information' available to me during puberty, my primary sensation when it came to sexuality was one of confusion, resulting in a growing sense of resentment and dissatisfaction with these physical urges and resulting thoughts which came unbidden to me. Early during puberty I began to actively suppress these feelings, hoping that they would vanish at some point. They never did.

After puberty I ran into the by now well-documented issue with the Dutch medical system regarding my body's physical state. It gave me this utter sense of bitterness regarding anything to do with physical sex and gender. The rape and sexual abuse I suffered during those years from others due to my lack of self-esteem further both gave me a look at the purely physical experiences of sexuality while not blinded by the emotions commonly referred to as 'love' and 'affection', let alone the disgusting sensation of 'lust'.

Let me first get this out of the way: I hate sexuality. I hate sex. I hate gender. Nothing would make me more happy than to see all of it vanish. I do not believe in things such as love or physical relationships, let alone ridiculous things such as polygamous relationships. In the end they're all just about lust. It's just the body acting without the mind.

The mind is reason and logic. It decides what its response or next course of action is based upon a reasonable evaluation of the available facts at that moment. Contrary to it, the body is just the pre-programmed, primitive responses of the less evolved brain sections. The body is what decides that things such as physical attraction and the need to have sex exist. It drives individuals to such preposterous actions such as mating attempts in bars, using the most pathetic pick-up lines imaginable. It is what makes picking up a human from the relevant sex seem like a good and desirable thing. It is what leads to relationships and procreation in most cases. It also leads to divorces and violence.

Through my years of wrestling with a body which in no way, form or shape resembles that of a 'regular' human being and suffering sexual abuse and mishaps in addition to regular medical humiliations, I have come to realize that the body offers nothing good or desirable. There is no such thing as 'love' if you ignore the body going off on its pre-programmed, gene-induced rampage. Lust is the carnal desire to copulate, also pre-programmed through genetics. There's no satisfaction to be found in following the body, just short-lived moments of satisfaction followed by increasing chaos, dissatisfaction and pain. Relationships, whether mono- or polygamous, are also the mere result of the body's programming, and serve no significant purpose, beyond procreation and the stilling of the existential angst present in most self-aware beings.

Despite this awareness it's not easy, though. The body doesn't care whether I realize any of this or not. It keeps following its programming, trying to drag the mind along through the carnage. I loathed the sensation of lust when I first began to experience it during puberty and I still have to keep fighting it. Despite the increase of trauma and the severity of my sexuality-related PTSD triggers preventing my mind from gaining any enjoyment from sexuality and related, the body keeps whispering, trying to seduce me. I often feel like an abuse victim, with my body as my tormentor. All I can do is to keep fighting back and stay firm in my realization of reality.

Many may think it ironic that I would think like this despite fighting to have my official name and gender changed to that of a female. To them I would like to point out that there is more to a female role than just sexuality, sex and procreation. It represents to me the soft, gentle and intellectual role I always felt more comfortable in. I have always known deep inside that I was infertile and that sexuality would never matter to me. The disappointing run-ins with sexuality and the total lack of enjoyment experienced there only reinforced that point.

Sexuality and all that it incurs are the shackles which keep me from being free. Freeing myself from it is essential.

At this point some are likely to point out that I'm in contact with a German surgeon regarding a surgery which should restore use of my female side. Here I would like to point out that the primary concern I have here is that of medical health and long-term concerns. The past months I have begun to suffer more severe pains in the lower abdominal region. This month has been particularly bad and likely a major cause of me feeling so incredibly tired. The skin on the inside of my thighs is even more painful to touch, and the area under which the vagina entrance is located is painful to touch as well, with even slight pressing causing a major increase in pain. Infection or similar is possible, making medical care essential.

Which brings me to the final issue, namely that of Dutch physicians anywhere denying that I have female organs and thus concluding that I could have any such issues. On this point I also find my mind agreeing with my body for once: the latter is in pain and begging for it to stop, while my mind has logically concluded at this point that it's most likely not a fluke and not some silly exaggeration or imaginary pain. With sepsis and such as a possible complications, it's better to be sure than getting rushed an ambulance to the nearest ER for resuscitation.

In many ways it's impossible for my mind to conclude that I exist in a world which is either reasonable or sane, with all the proper actions and configurations unavailable, leaving them only as theoretical options. Never mind me, I guess. I'm just this insignificant mind over here in the corner, mumbling to itself :)


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