Death is a fascinating thing to think about. The terminating of an existence. A consciousness which is cut off and which will as of that point no longer exist. An existence which no longer is. The realisation of just what a body is: a fragile vessel for electromagnetic impulses which comprise that which we refer to as ourselves.
I remember how as a child this realisation initially upset me; the thought of everything I saw around me being mostly just window dressing for what was really going on, and the perturbing notion of everything being far less solid than imagined. My own existence being consequently of far less note than I had once assumed.
Much of these musings go back to the central question of what it means to be human. As many around me see fit to reproduce as if that's the natural thing to do at that point - which it definitely is from a biological point of view - I find myself confronted once again with such questions.
I am incapable of reproducing, due to how I was born. My own existence in itself being very lucky in a sense since most pregnancies involving a hermaphroditic embryo never carry to term, instead suffering a spontaneous abortion as the body recognises that something has gone wrong with the pregnancy. Whether or not I was born never mattered from a reproductive point of view. That's a weird thought.
I am capable of dying. Theoretically at least. There's nothing to be gained by dying, ergo I will not embrace or accept it, as most seem to do. I do not think that dying is in any way related to being human. On the contrary. I have tried to die before, and failed. I know what lies down that path.
So far I have spent what will likely be roughly a third of my life on largely nonsense, being the dealings with the most regressive, conservative and closed-minded elements of the medical community, not to mention that of humanity as a whole. Two-thirds, or less, remain.
The clock is ticking. What will it be? What will I do? Can't reproduce. Don't want to accept death.
What does it mean to be human?
What are my options?
What will I do?