Tuesday, 16 February 2016

The 'sick of counting down' countdown

All of us will find ourselves anxiously counting down the days to something important, whether it is to hear the news about a graduation, a pregnancy or a surgery's outcome. All of them are life-changing events and important in their own right.

Now picture waiting for such an event, only to be told to wait another few weeks or months. And again. And again. Even as you begin to piece together a picture of the truth, you just keep hitting that same brick over and over as you find yourself unable to answer the question of why it seems so ridiculously important to these people to not tell you something which in the end should only be important to you.

Cue conspiracy theories and a slow descend into madness.

The questions I have been wondering about for over eleven years now involve such irrelevant details like whether I am fertile in any way, and what I might have to tell a prospective partner about how this body of mine is put together. More importantly it concerns these monthly pains I have suffered through since that one horrific day when I was eleven years old and everybody thought that I had made up that terrible pain which made me think I was dying.

Related to it there are also questions about my future health, considering that my reproductive organs did develop in a way which is everything but regular. Reports of increased cases of cancer and other unpleasantness by hermaphrodites do have me worried.

For at this point I know what my body is; at the very least the rough outline. I am not male. I am not female. I have reproductive organs of both, yet not convincingly one or the other side. Ergo I am a hermaphrodite. All I need now is help from doctors who do not try to make me believe I am crazy. Few things are more discouraging than to wait months, counting down every day at the end, only to have a doctor dismiss you like that, telling you to start realising that you're a transsexual, even when you know that's the one thing you are not.

It's much easier to believe in yourself when you don't have an army of doctors and psychologists telling you that what you think and what you see in the mirror is all wrong, but that they'll help you see things the right way. Forcefully if need be.

It's much easier to never have to count down to a chance to learn the truth any more.

I'm not insane. I'm just going through this same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome.

Just two more days left in this countdown.


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