Wednesday, 10 February 2016

The problem with things not going wrong

Today I had to have some blood drawn at the clinic as I wrote a few days ago for the third blood test. It was mostly a weird experience this time. First of all due to having to wait for nearly an hour beyond my appointment time despite there being no one else waiting. Secondly when I asked after the test results which I was supposed to receive the results of, they weren't able to access the data or such. It was just weird.

Being forced to sit there in a clinic's waiting room made it basically impossible for me to escape the many memories and thoughts which spring forth from the traumatised parts of one's past. I'm not sure I'll ever learn to not distrust and fear doctors and everything associated with them. I would really like to, though.

The worst part probably has to be the intense paranoia one has to suffer through, imagining one scenario after another based upon a severe lack of information and likelihoods, whether real or imagined. Next week Thursday is my next appointment with the endocrinologist and this intersex specialist. I hope I can not have nightmares and a general lack of sleep until then. And of course that it all goes as hoped.

Sitting there in the waiting area of the clinic I realised just how intense my fear of anything medical is. The fear of being judged, of being dismissed, of being called crazy again, of having all of my symptoms dismissed as being merely psychosomatic.

While I had my blood drawn today, I caught a glimpse of my open medical file on the computer screen next to me. While it seemed generally positive in the sense of what one would expect from a doctor who is exploring a puzzling case, it also listed the wonderment about me having a monthly cycle despite this being unlikely due to my low female hormone levels.

As I'm going through the motions of menstruating today again, I can only wish that these pains were only psychosomatic. What lunatic would voluntarily sign up for these cramps, pains and upset abdomen?

Please let this year be the end of this maddening journey...


No comments: