Saturday, 6 February 2016

Living with a body which doesn't make sense

After a quiet week, in terms of physical pain, today the abdominal cramps began again, announcing the happy joy fun part of the monthly cycle referred to as 'menstruation'. Everything right on schedule. Yet none of it should be happening if one looks at my hormone levels. Despite having been off artificial hormones for more than two months now, if anything my periods are now more severe, painful and more compromising for my daily life.

The endocrinologist is puzzled about the hormonal results so far, as am I. If anything could rub it further in that my body is anything but 'normal', I'm not sure what it could be. Biologically I'm neither male nor female, though more of an alternate female version of regular female physiology, maybe.

My main feeling these days is just one of exhaustion, of feeling so confused by this body of mine that I can no longer come up with any plausible theories to explain what this body of mine is, or why it can even exist.

I do not know what this body is. I do not know how to look at it. I treat it as a female body, because that seems to make sense, yet at the same time it is so overwhelmingly clear that the differences are major and confusing.

I hope so much that the coming months will see actual medical help along with answers, surgery and less monthly pain.


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