Tears...

*frees the hair that has become stuck to her face with dried tears*

*sighs*

I just stopped reading a series of books I had borrowed from Pieter, as while just reading the first book it has managed to trigger a series of traumas for the second time now. Finding oneself devastated by a fictional story just because it has elements in it which seems to tear open internal wounds which will never fully heal, isn't my idea of spending quality time with a book.

Saturday I felt pretty good the entire day. I read a few chapters in my book before I went to bed and found myself being comforted by Pieter a few minutes later. Just now I managed to tear myself out of another hysteria attack which started while reading that same book again.

Yesterday and today I've felt loathing, fear and disgust for anything related to sexuality in a way that is much more severe than before. I want to cut everything related to it out my life, every memory, every physical part, every remembered phrase and image. I don't want there to be men and women, just people. People who don't hurt each other, who actually give a damn about what the other person thinks, feels and experiences.

Right now all I see are whores and sluts and players and the people who want to be like them. Nearly everyone I talk to has experiences which will send me into a withdrawal attack for sure. I hate girls who like men, who tell about their experiences, their preferences... I hate men who like girls and talk about them, especially as if they're cattle.

Hate, hate, hate... Pain, pain, pain... I can not understand, I can not deal with it, I just want to get away from the pain which threatens to rip me apart. I don't want to lie crying uncontrollably on my bed whilst cringing in mental pain for hours nearly every day. How can I make this stop? I'll do it no matter what it is. I'll slice any artery, pierce or cut off any part of my body, murder whoever may hold the key. Anything...

I want to live... not in fear of when the next thing passes by which triggers my traumas and makes me feel horrible again. I feel broken, a shell filled with only the trembling remains of an existence. The only things which bring me solace are cold, rational things. Things which do not involve people and the chaos they bring with them. I grew up with computers and I'll always treasure technology more than whichever person.

Technology and science don't hurt... don't ridicule, or act like primordial clumps of raw stupidity and evil. I can't get over how ridiculous people are. Embedding themselves firmly in ignorance they fail to see what's truly out there, that if they were to just cast off their primal ancestry and grasp the concept of logic, they could finally embrace reality and existence.

I so despise people...


Maya