Saturday, 7 February 2009

And Thus It Ends...

Allow me to be frank: especially after that last letter from the VUMC. It confirmed for me at least on an emotional level that I'm a complete freak, who is surrounded by absolute morons, who are so incompetent that they can not provide a diagnosis. Worse, they're not even interested in trying to provide one.

I loathe this body I have. I hate all of you with regular bodies and with regular lives. The knowledge that all of that is completely out of reach for me tortures me every second that I am awake. At this point I can only maintain my sanity by forcefully suppressing my emotions, something I can do for about a day, after which I'll crash again, like I did yesterday night. Thursday I felt great, did a lot of work, felt like I could handle things with ease. Then Friday I began to feel worse and worse during the day, suffering from an overdose of stress as I have felt regularly the past months, which makes me feel tired, dizzy and nauseous. Sometimes I can break through it, meaning that I will crash later that day again, and sometimes sleep will help. Lately only letting out all the pain and frustration seems to have any effect, however.

I feel intensily bitter at this point. About me having felt less than everyone around me who did perform well at school, about me not being able to make money, have a job, run a company... all because I just had to be cursed both with being gifted and by having this body.

Is this how my life will end? The issues surrounding my body never resolved, me never being able to find peace with it, my giftedness ruining any chance on doing mundane tasks which will actually make me money, the frustration and anger getting worse and worse until at some point I can't take it any longer?

The time that I can spend here at Pieter's place is drawing to an end, as he isn't allowed to rent rooms out to people, and the tax office won't like it either. Within a few months I will have to move, yet for me to stay alone, or to burden others with my issues, as I will keep crashing, will cry for hours on end and possibly do stupid things to myself and others... or worse, move back to my mother's place... none of them are solutions, all of them will worsen my situation. There is no way out of this.

Unless something big changes for me, my life will be over in a few months time. I have been analyzing this issue and tracking its progress for long enough now to predict how it's going to end up. It may be less painful to others if I were to say my goodbyes soon, before my situation degrades even further, and I will hurt even more people.

Tell me I'm giving up, that I'm giving in to those moronic assholes who made my life into a living hell, but please do understand my situation and the pain I'm in. I just want to escape this pain...



zakir ahmed said...

hey please i beg you don;t do any thing bad ... please .. Dont lose hope Rent a new place or just stay somewhere else please dontdo any thing bad ..


Experiencing Subject said...

It seems as though you were cursed with nothing, except nothingness.
You spend so many years deepning your psychological and sexual issues, calling them problems, blaming the world, your peers, your body, your "giftness", and everything else.
how about this:
1.Get a Job. - It will alleviate not only your financial status but also will keep you healthy occupied, stop digging in the past, having a future, and will teach you some elementary survival skills, such as actually doing something and connecting with people.
2.Break you Karmic cycle. Change your life, change your habbits, move to a new place (I got a room), play some msuci, learn the guitar, fid an outburst for your creativity and time other than unncesseary and unhealthy self loathing.
Again, happiness is a choice. a simple choice. But first you must choose to choose.

Your apparent disbelief in your own power to change is what's preventing yor life from taking any position.
and if I may be somewhat shovenistic, that's what's making you a Woman...