Friday, 20 February 2009


Last night I took a sleeping pill, but unfortunately it didn't prevent me from waking up when Pieter returned home from D&D and the dogs went berserk as usual as they went out for their walk. Nor did it stop me from waking up 4-5 other times during the night. I remember a few dreams, waking up covered in sweat once, and to finish the night off I had something that could be called a nightmare.

I was sitting in a wheelchair, with a woman sitting in another wheelchair, around us were stairs. I was chasing after her or so, forcing her against a wall and such, I don't exactly remember. I somehow knew that the building I was in was an institution for the mentally ill. After having acted like a nut for a while a man came and drove me off. As we went downstairs, he told me: "And Ms just thought you were improving...". He then told me that I had been caught inside a fantasy world inside my head for a long time.

At that point the thought that what he said was true, that I was indeed crazy and that I did indeed belong in that institution, dawned on me. I must have rejected the thought fiercely the next moment, though, as the dream then shifted to me bringing down a small white gate as you'd see in front of a house, and flinging two dismembered arms with swords in their hands away from me, watching them vaporize and preparing to head home. I was walking on grass and thinking of running home.

During the dream I remember seeing or just hearing certain people I know, like my father and his new wife, plus random people, giggling and laughing at me. It felt as though they were mocking me. When I woke up from the dream I felt my heart beating in my chest, as the experience had seemingly affected me quite a bit. I went to see Pieter shortly after waking up so that I could be a crybaby again.

I think that the dream is largely based on my experiences at the VUMC, as both my mother and I have described the Gender Team there as 'lunatics treating the sane', combined with my further experiences, sense of loneliness in this whole issue with a big dash of paranoia.

But frankly, why should I trust anyone at this point to help me?


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