Today appointment with GP. She referred me to a physiotherapist who can teach me breathing exercises as alternative to sedatives. Further offered to listen me when I felt the need to do so. Asked who support me, could only name Pieter. Can't do anything else for me.
Pieter brought me by car to GP, walked home. Headache. Had breakfast, felt tired and distracted. Went to bed at around 1 PM, read for an hour, tried to sleep. Started crying and laughing like a crazy person again. I am crazy. It's all over. Too much pain. Fell asleep, woke up few times, covered in sweat. Feeling miserable.
Want to cancel all outstanding client projects, quit company, give up on everything. Nothing works. Can't focus. Too much pain.
I'm a freak. Stop telling me I'm not. You all tell me to be what I feel I am. I am a freak. I hate it all. No love. No friendship. Only pain. Suffering. Things I can't do or be because I'm a freak. I'm a freak, damnit. A stupid, freakishly deformed, undefinable accident. People hate me for what I am. I can only hate myself for being like this. Shut up. Shut up. You stupid people with your stupid normal lives and 'issues'. You only laugh at me when I'm not looking and make fun.
No help. No end to pain. No point in trying. Four years is too much. Want to surrender to the pain.