The overwhelming feeling I have dealt with for years and very strongly again the past few days is that my body truly does not matter. That I have had my shot at it and for whatever reason, genetics or otherwise, blew it. I'm a definition-less something. Heck, I'm not even worth defining.
The medical world has turned their back on me, with the UMCG as my last hope not responding at all any more, only telling me that they're 'working on it'. They just don't give a damn whether I live or die. Nor does anyone who doesn't really know me.
All this stuff with the media won't change a thing. People will just read the upcoming newspaper article and perhaps bother to send me a message telling me how wonderful I am for keeping this up for so long. Nothing will change. It's not wonderful that I haven't killed myself yet for the horrible mental torture I have had to endure the past years, or perhaps even my entire life.
This new name I have chosen for myself will never become my official name. I'll always have to endure the humiliation of having to explain why my ID card doesn't match up with reality. I will never know what in heaven's name this body is or what the hell I'm supposed to do or think of it. I feel so frustrated about this I often feel tempted to take it all out on this worthless body. Slice it, cut it, maim it. Be completely irrational about it as being rational isn't very useful either.
It's all pointless.
The past few days I feel that I'm slipping again. Tuesday I completely broke down and it took every ounce of willpower to prevent me from doing physical harm to myself. I'm separating my emotional and rational side more and more, as there's still no point to having the former. All it stands for is pain, frustration and this utterly useless desire to lead a 'normal' life as other people do, who do feel comfortable with their body, do understand it and know what it is, how it works and what they can do with it. Who can have a relationship with someone else without questioning everything and feeling uncertain about every detail because they just don't get the stupid, useless body they were born with.
Oh yes, I'm perfectly healthy, physically. Thanks for reminding me. Not that it matters. What in the world is the use of a body which is deemed 'healthy' when it is clearly some kind of undefinable, Frankenstein-ish, twisted collection of obviously non-matching elements? This body is a downright failure. It'd have been better if it had never been born.
It's completely irrelevant.