Saturday, 16 January 2010

Provoking Changes

Change isn't something you generally just come across or something to which you can just surrender and see where you end up, unless it is negative change. Where nothing is actively changed, things will only degrade. Even though it's easiest to crawl into a dark corner, to hide from all that is new and frightening or just unknown, it is not the solution.

During the past few years I have come across a number of intersexual people, yet each time I noticed how they didn't want to talk about their condition, tell me anything about their body unless in riddles and generally avoid the truth. None of them seemed particularly happy to me. It reminded me of myself back in late 2006 when I hadn't told anyone about my 'secret' except for a few friends. It literally nearly killed me. Without a way to express myself, to feel acceptance and to find that place in this world where I belonged I felt adrift, cut loose from everything and everyone, with nothing to guide me, nothing to hold on to but matters unrelated to my physical presence in this world. Without any change I doubt I would be sitting here, writing these words for so many people to read.

What provoked change for me was a friend urging me to just tell anyone. She offered to tell everyone if I didn't feel like it. It felt so good to be able to talk freely about everything, to feel accepted by everyone because of or despite what I am, and to actually feel closer to many people because I didn't keep up the pretense of being just a regular girl. This event has since repeated itself many times over, with various other people and virtually every time it has evoked sympathy, acceptance, curiousity and even offers for help.

Medically speaking, at the point where I am at this moment there is nowhere for me to go, nothing left to wait or hope for. Doctors have asked me whether this isn't the moment to give up my search and just accept that there is no answer. What they fail to see is that this would begin a cycle of stagnation and decay. I would have to build a wall around those parts of me I do not understand or can not deal with, which includes sexuality and relationships. As is easy to imagine, these psychological walls aren't a solution, but a problem which will grow worse over time, eventually leading to a complete breakdown. This is the primary reason why I can not stop searching for answers. For understanding. After all, there can be no acceptance if there is nothing to accept in terms of clear facts.

The change I have been trying to evoke since a few years time now has been to involve the media, thus getting attention for this festering case. This year it appears as though my efforts will finally pay off, with an appearance in the largest Dutch newspaper in a few weeks time, and a TV appearance on a large Dutch TV channel or two. I have every hope that within a few months I will have the breakthrough I have been looking for, and intersexuality as a whole can tread out of the shadow of obscurity to be finally acknowledged as something which exists and which deserves as much attention as every other important medical and social matter.

I notice the changes the current interactions with the media are evoking in myself; I feel more energetic, more motivated and driven to accomplish something in life. It's as though what I do truly matters, that I have the power to make life better for not only myself but for so many others and perhaps even change the course of history, much like with the acknowledgement and acceptance of homosexual people in the 60s, although perhaps somewhat more dramatic, as this new change would involve the acknowledgement of a third 'sex' in addition to the current two.

Among these changes I have also decided to discard and arm myself against the remains of the past. After one visit to that psychotherapist in Hilversum I felt almost sickened by the sense of despair and helplessness I felt forced upon me. It was as though I was back with all those psychologists and those other horrible people who have done me so much harm. People who are good at practicing their profession, but are utterly worthless and even harmful when it comes to helping people. After talking matters through with my mother I have decided to stop visiting that psychotherapist and resume my contacts with Engel Vrouwe and Inge Wingbermuhle. Unlike other therapists these two wonderful people care about helping people first, even if it means doing less conventional things, such as visiting a hospital together with their 'patient', something other therapists would definitely frown upon.

Work-wise things are looking up; we got three 'interns' running around inside the company these days, one doing 3D modelling, one doing a bit of everything, but mostly web development at this point, and another guy who may do the music and SFX for the game. With the current rate we should as planned be able to release the game around the end of February. I really hope things will work out.

In other news, Pieter is having more issues with his '88 Volvo. This time the car will start and run normally until the gas pedal is pushed in at any speed faster than 'slow', as this will instantly kill the engine. Hopefully the issue will be found soon and fixed as Pieter isn't liking the temporary car he got in the mean time isn't much to his liking :P


Maya

1 comment:

wjvdlugt said...

Well Maya, I am glad that you feel good today but I am afraid that it is just the "mood" you are in for now and that anytime you can be hurled back into despair if something bad happens.
But I hope for you that better days are coming.

By the way, if you need a driver when you have to go to Vrouwe you know where to find one.

Bet whishes,
Jan