Sunday, 24 January 2010

Nightmare: Sex

The first part of my dream was a common way in which I was in a train, subway or similar public transport station and trying to find my way home. In this case I was in Rotterdam, just got off the subway and needed to find a train which would take me home. This part wasn't disturbing in any way, just a feeling of trying to figure out things. Felt very familiar.

The second part was the nightmare. I don't recall every detail of it and it is fairly graphic in nature. I was apparently in this close (married?) relationship with a man who felt similar to my housemate, Pieter. I don't recall how I got to this next part of the dream, or even whether anything preceded it. I remember myself saying something about this white, cylindrical device with various markings, air holes and such on its surface (about 15-20 cm tall, similar in diameter) that it was stimulating me, in which I was referring to a physical kind of stimulation. This was then misunderstood by this man, who I shall refer to as my husband from this point on. The device got placed on top of my tummy while I was in a lying position, around my abdomen. I then seem to recall feeling a man's body pressed against me for a few moments, then I look down my body as I feel something moist and to my shock I see that apparently I'm lying on top of a man as well and his penis is sticking up between my legs in an erect manner. Then the owner of this body part ejaculates and I hear myself screaming in abject terror, obviously going somewhat crazy.

The rest is somewhat of a jumble, something about my husband beating up this other man who didn't stick to the rules set before, pictures of the aftermath including me on the left hand side, smiling, with a face partially covered in blood, which I recognize as being my own. Then to my right is my husband, also seeming to have had a few punches on his mouth with his blood partially covering it and. Then a picture of him in a location which seems very similar to the kitchen here in Pieter's house, with the refrigerator on the left, two police officers holding my husband down with him covered in blood as is the empty wall behind him. I remember that he got arrested for a while. I also remember him going on about trying it again with another man but this time we'd get it right and me thinking about how he never really understood me, never knowing what I wanted. I never voiced this, however. I'm not sure whether this happened before or after the arrest.

This is where I woke up, with my arms clasped around my chest, dazed and after a moment convinced that I would before I knew it feel a man's hand grasp my leg and then work his way upwards to fulfill his bestial desires. This felt so real that I had to convince myself that it was all just a dream, that there really was nothing in my room before I could get out of bed and take the two steps to turn on the light in my room. As I waited for the light to flicker to life and drive away the night terrors, I looked at my bed and still didn't feel like everything of it was gone, that the nightmare was still lurking, more real than I could think.

I had to leave my room earlier to go to the bathroom and the moment I opened the door to the hallway I felt this wave of terror washing over me, as though something was lurking in the staircase. I locked the bathroom door in a state of near-terror. Rushing back to my room, I broke down in tears. I can not shake off this sensation that any second now something bad will happen. Someone will jump at me, or grab me, or... for whatever nefarious purpose. Even as I'm sitting here behind my computer typing this, with the light turned on and familiar music playing the sensation of terror isn't leaving me. I would go to Pieter who is sleeping right now as it's only ten minutes past 4 AM, but he has to get up in a few hours for a public performance and I don't want to steal a few hours of his sleep. I'll manage somehow...


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