One of the most difficult things in life is to come up with a purpose in life. I think I just lost it. There are plenty of things I could do, know how to do and would like to do, but I can discern no purpose in doing so. There's no distinct why, who or what for which would make it appear to me like a useful activity. Instead I'm just sitting here, stuck pondering and desperately trying to motivate myself. Motivation which isn't coming.
I'm honestly afraid. Afraid of not feeling like I have a purpose in life, of feeling like I can or have made a difference. Instead all I can see are things which have failed or are in the process of failing. Why am I even trying?
What I'm also afraid of are these thoughts which keep popping up more and more often the past few days, of death, of suicide, of ending things. Is that really what I'm moving towards? Is it the only possible conclusion to this unfathomable life I have had so far? Is it anything more impressive than a bug dying somewhere in a world which doesn't even notice?
Maybe I'm just really tired. Maybe I just want to lie down for a while. Maybe it's okay if I never get up again...