Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Sedation Experiment, Day 12

When I last described my experiences with valerian root as a sedative, I mentioned that it made it impossible for me to care about anything. Things have changed somewhat since then.

I guess the best comparison I can come up with is that of trying to sleep while the neighbours are having a very loud party, with the stereo cranked up to at least eleven. This describes my initial situation. Impossible to ignore, and leading to acts of unspeakable violence if it persists.

The valerian pills were then like the police dropping by those neighbours after multiple complaints from people about the noise, causing the stereo to be turned down to a more reasonable level, say around four or five. Much better, and it appears that one can finally get some rest now.

Sadly with the loudness gone, one's hearing refocuses on softer noises, meaning that now one can hear the stereo playing softly and people, lots of people talking and laughing and so on. It's distant and hardly distinct, but it's still there in the background, sometimes getting louder after a particularly interesting joke or topic has been addressed.

Did the situation truly improve? The noise is easier to tune out and there's actually a possibility of going to sleep, but it's still far from ideal.

Similarly my mind seems to have adapted to the lower 'volume' of my emotions, which I initially experienced as an almost complete absence. The past weekend I managed to nearly snap completely again, coming closer than ever to committing suicide. The cause was probably a combination of getting kicked out of the last hospital, nothing to look forward to media-wise or elsewhere and basically dropping into a black hole.

Oh sure, I can more easily bear the weight of this stress, but it doesn't mean that I can't be pushed over the edge any more. If anything it's worse now because I haven't fully adjusted yet to the signs of something going wrong emotionally now that they're far less obtrusive. Bloody double-edged swords.

I think the short version of my prediction about my future is that without help soon there's a snowball's chance in Hell of making it through next year. With the proper help there's a chance I'll make it, but I do need a break very soon now.


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