Sedation Experiment, Day 2

My sleep last night was interesting; I slept soundly from about 10.30 PM until 1 AM, woke up, fell asleep again, and repeated this at least two more times during the night. The last time I woke up I was covered in sweat again, which indicates that I had a nightmare. I still felt rested, however.

Moments after waking up that last time this morning I could feel that the sedation had worn off. Not completely perhaps, but enough that I could feel myself respond far more severely and lengthy to impulses. It was kind of frightening after the peaceful daze of the day before.

Today I felt I responded better to the valerin pills. I had less trouble remembering things and had fewer memory issues in general. I managed to perform a significant amount of work and never felt particularly unable or unwilling to perform required tasks. Last night and right now I feel both tired and not tired, in the sense that I can close my eyes and feel a kind of weariness, yet I do feel alert and capable of performing tasks.

Also today a challenge took place, with Pieter leaving today for the weekend to visit his girlfriend. It's an event which previously caused a severe emotional response on my side, resulting from a number of causes, most particularly that of loneliness. Preceding Pieter's departure, about fifteen minutes ago, I didn't feel particularly agitated or focused on this event. At his departing I just found myself unable to focus on it at all, let alone respond.

One characteristic of being sedated like this is that I can still feel emotions, it's not like they have been completely suppressed. It's more like they have become very distant things, I can feel and observe them, but they're kind of remote and seem to move in slow-motion, allowing me to study them more closely than I could before. Acting upon any of those emotions is virtually impossible, because the moment I consider doing so, it has already begun to fade.

This weekend will be the real test, I guess, with nights still being the most tricky part of this phase of the experiment. During previous occurrences of this event, without sedation, I found myself completely unable to sleep in any form or shape unless I took a sleeping pill. Two weekends ago I managed to rack up three sleeping pills in a row, where I was only allowed to take a single one. It'll be interesting to see whether this weekend will be different.

One thing which should help is that if a feeling isn't being actively stimulated by something I see, hear or otherwise observe, it just fades. It is a pleasant sensation to not have to care about anything at all unless I choose to do so. To be quite honest it really feels like I'm more myself when my intellectual side is totally dominant like now, while emotions do not play any significant role. I would almost claim that at least to me emotions are a purely negative thing, serving no practical value at least where it concerns so-called 'adult' emotions. The simple expressions of joy and other responses from a child are an example of positive emotions. They're simple and pure, not the dark, polluted and most convoluted emotions most adults carry around with them.

On that note, I really enjoy being able to play Wii Sports again. It's a very simple series of games which still feel incredibly rewarding when one completes something successfully. I also like to really express my joy or disappointment at any results, in a manner I would definitely call carefree :) My favourite game is still Golf, and I like to think that I'm pretty good at it too :) I'm sure I'll be aching all over from today's Wii Sports session.

Anyone up for a Wii Sports session at my place? Other games are allowed too. Just remember to bring your own controller :)


Maya