Sunday, 14 November 2010

That Elusive Sense Of Peace

The past few years many people including me have made statements and predictions about my situations. At this point no attempts from my side or those from others have resulted in anything useful, lending a lot of credibility to those who pronounced my search for answers to be ridiculous. Yet even those people can not agree on whether it's ridiculous because they feel that such answers can't be found and I'll just have to accept things for the way they are now, or that there never were any answers to begin with because the questions I'm asking are delusional.

This weekend I finally watched the BNN show 'Je zal het maar zijn' in which I feature. The contrast between the two others in it who have chosen for their discomfort and me, who hasn't chosen for a life like this, couldn't be larger. Where's the obsession in my case? In my own view it's something I just can't get around, as it's blocking the path I need to follow towards a happy life. Only with the proper answers will I be able to clear this obstacle, but instead of receiving those answers many people have been very eager over the past few years to put in even more obstacles instead.

No matter what I do or decide now, I can not possibly participate in 'normal' life, as without those answers my body is just worthless. Oh sure, it's healthy and everything, but I am forced to abandon anything related to emotions, including relationships, sexuality and to some extent friendship as well, all because it doesn't make sense to me in my confusion and just leads to pain and frustration. I still do not really exist, neither officially or unofficially. My problem is still a non-issue, except to me.

One thing I realized thanks to a friend is that the reason why I started with the hormone therapy was not because I wanted to become anything, but because I was ready to accept my body for what it is. My body is that of a female, there's nobody who can or should be able to deny this. Clearly society as a whole isn't prepared for this, however. Even after working my way through so many difficult decisions, I still find myself in a situation where none of these decisions truly matter. There still doesn't seem to be a way out of this for me.

I had expected an answer from the US hospitals already, but none seems to be forthcoming. There are no answers to be found in this country any more. There doesn't appear to be anyone who can and wants to help me. Maybe what I'm trying to do really is a fool's errand and I'm just deluding myself in thinking that anything I do matters even in the slightest.

With absolutely nothing to show for my efforts these past six years, I feel more stupid and dispirited than ever. Is there really a point to this all? I say there isn't.

I'm not strong, I'm just a poor loser...


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