Yesterday happened what I expected to for a while now, but it still wasn't easy. In the email I received from the UMCG hospital, Weijmar Schultz explained that they do not wish to do anything more for me at all. No treatment, no help, no anything. Not until I accept that I'll never know what I am, that I will never have an official medical diagnosis, that I'll be neither male, female, transsexual or intersexual for the rest of my life. At that point they'd be prepared to help me get that official gender change. Makes sense? Not to me it doesn't.
They're prepared to talk about it with me in person on November 10th, but 3 hours of travel time to be told the same as in that email doesn't seem very useful. Pieter will send an email to the UMCG today informing them that we'll keep that offer in mind. Should I return from the US or wherever with answers I can live with I will at least have a place where I can go back to in this country. Even if part of it is to flaunt answers they couldn't be bothered to look for.
Despite knowing that this news would come, it nevertheless is still hard to actually read it. I just felt empty afterwards and even cried some. It's just a horrible feeling to be cast out like that, without anything to show for all of one's efforts. It is especially now that I'm really grateful for my contacts with the media, nice people like that photography student, and hopefully soon with politicians as well. If I hadn't put any effort in contacting the media and keeping up this blog and my website none of that would have happened. In the end I accomplished all of this because I refuse to give up.
Another nice thing which happened two days ago was a conversation with someone I know, who offered me some really valuable insights and assurances. Together with previous conversations with friends it has given me a lot to think about. The thing is that because I have PTSD people will often quickly explain anything they see as an anomaly in my behaviour as just another symptom of my traumas. The times people have done this and even had the nerve to suggest that I'd require immediate treatment are legion, and to be honest I'm quite angry at how they have manipulated me and that I have allowed them to do so.
I don't need to start using medication for my PTSD, I don't need EMDR treatment or similar, I'm not a socially and emotionally inept person. I have made it this far because I'm a strong person, socially and emotionally more than capable. I am emotionally very sensitive, true, and my ability to empathize with and understand others sometimes is very strong and confusing. Yet I am just fine the way I am, even if random strangers or even friends try to tell me that I'm a basketcase. Especially in the case of the latter it makes me wonder whether they're truly friends, or whether they're being influenced by others who most definitely aren't my friends in any sense of the word.
Anyway... it's been a very informative if slightly traumatizing few weeks. I have learned a great deal about myself, others, friendship and more. I feel I should focus more on relaxing now, outside my work of course :) Pieter just bought a Wii yesterday, the special Mario Edition with New Super Mario Bros and Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2. And Wii Sports of course :D
Another thing I'd like to try both to be able to say I have done it and that it wasn't so bad is somewhat like an extension of me going swimming again. It seems to me that going to the sauna would be a useful and hopefully relaxing experience. Consider it therapy :) I would like to go with someone else, though, which is what this plan has been stuck on for the past months, if not years.
Maya
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