Saturday, 11 December 2010

Morphing Into A Social Butterfly

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam to visit the concert given there at the Van Gogh museum. The concert was about Chopin's life and works, and was performed by someone I'm proud to call a friend: Misaki Yamada. She played the piano and was accompanied by a video displayed on a big screen detailing the life of Chopin using Misaki's own drawings. It was very well done, very well performed and at certain points very funny or very touching. It made me wish the concert was even longer as it was very interesting and ended almost too quickly :) There should be a video of the concert available soon.

I also ended up talking a lot with the other girl who was having that birthday party on Tuesday. I ended up telling her a bit about my situation and she genuinely seemed interested, so we kept discussing the subject. It was very pleasant. As it turns out she also teaches at a place near where I live in Almere, so she'll be dropping by my place some time for a drink.

After the concert Misaki, me and a few others went to a nearby cafe for a drink. It was a lot of fun, even though Misaki was about to fall asleep as the exertion of the concert and the weeks of feverish preparation finally took their toll. She did make it home safely, fortunately. I hope to see her again soon.

With another friend I went to a birthday party of one of her friends, some girl I didn't know yet at all. As it turned out she was very nice as well and it was a fun party, even though we arrived quite late and the birthday girl was pretty much dozing off near the end. What struck me was that even though I arrived as an unexpected guest and perfect stranger to her, when it was time to leave she embraced me as well, and was chatting with her until everyone said their goodbyes. I even have added her to my Facebook friends list and she sent me a really nice message today. Chalk up another one for unexpected and very pleasant meetings.

I also met a guy at this party who offered to translate the article from next month's issue of Maxi from German to English and German to Dutch, which I thought was a very generous offer, especially since he doesn't know anything about me or my situation :)

After this birthday party my friend and I walked back to her place where I spent the night. Maybe it was because it was the first time I had spent the night there, but I didn't feel very well-rested by the time we had to get up. We walked to the station after a quick breakfast and around 10.30 AM I was back home. The primary sensation was that of exhaustion, though I didn't feel unhappy.

I ended up taking a 2-hour nap, caught up on my usual internet hangouts and email, didn't do the work I had promised myself I would do today and a few moments ago I had pizza for dinner and am kind of debating whether or not to take a sleeping pill tonight.

Why a sleeping pill, you might ask. Shouldn't I be feeling happy and satisfied and nearly stress-free after such a fun time? It's kind of complex.

While, as pointed out by multiple people yesterday, I am very social, easy to talk with, and happen to know a lot of things which keeps any discussion interesting, that's just one part of socializing. There's also the part I prefer to call the Dark Side, which is composed out of topics such as relationships, sexuality and friendship to some extent as well.

The issue I keep running into is that when it comes down to it part of my emotional development are still stuck somewhere before the full onset of puberty, due to the fact that I do not know what my body is really like, and have no means to learn to know my body, ergo my development in those areas is practically absent. The result is akin to being torn apart, in an almost literal sense. Part of me is elated at discovering how easy it is for me to make friends, and that I seem to have no self-esteem issues there at all.

At the other side there is the part where I'm feeling deserted and abandoned. Where I feel like huge chunks of myself are missing. Where confrontations with the Dark Side of socializing make me feel very upset and depressed, and make me cry uncontrollably in sheer misery like I did earlier. It feels as though that with this part of my very being is being ripped away. There's no harmony, no union. There are just these two parts threatening to ruin my life if I persist in continuing my current course.

Where I notice this for example is in how much my hatred of sexuality and disgust with relationships have increased as of late. It's taking on very grotesque proportions, to the point where it is purely irrational emotional negative energy. It makes me pause and consider the consequences of the current changes in my life.

What is so screwed up about this whole situation is that if the medical system in this bloody country had actually done its job I wouldn't be stuck in this impossible situation. I would have gone through a somewhat difficult but not impossible late emotional puberty, and things would have balanced out by itself. Now however I'm stuck with a situation which can only end badly.

The doctor at the UMC Utrecht hospital who had offered to help me is currently absent, but will contact me as soon as he returns. I hope it's soon and that he can offer me real help. I'm not looking forward to the suffering I'll have to undergo or worse if this all takes much longer.



Anonymous said...

See, I'm not an expert of or a good person to give pep talk, but 1 thing does come to my mind. After a storm, there's always a rainbow.

Maya Posch said...

Unless it's dark. Or clouded.