Friday, 3 December 2010


If there is one thing I desire most in my life it has to be stability. If there is one thing human society is the antithesis of, it has to be stability. Note that I mean stability here as the opposite of a chaotic system, a system in which there are too many variables to reliably make any long-term predictions. In essence a stable system is one in which change still occurs, but which is very predictable in a short-, medium- and long-term perspective.

In my own life that would mean actually knowing what will happen to me next year, next month. Even next week. At this point I do not have a clue. Even this morning part of me was still convinced that I would find myself homeless due to an argument with my housemate involving our friendship and the unmentionable thing which I'm forbidden to ever write or speak about in public. Suffice it to say that it involved harassment last night by one of my very own stalkers, which sent me into shock and ended up in me actually physically hurting my housemate.

None of this I could have predicted even half a year ago. The human tendency to completely change the course of their lives seemingly at random is something which truly mystifies me. My own goals and lists of things to accomplish in life are pretty clear and there is absolutely no chance I'll ever deviate from it, aside from suicide. Irrational behaviour is something I can not understand or come to terms with. All I can do is ignore it and focus on what can be understood.

One thing which offers me some stability - if I ignore my work - is the group of friends I'm beginning to gather around me, also thanks to the girl I dated a few months ago, who introduced me to some of her friends and whose birthday party I'll frequent next week, followed by a concert by one of her friends later that week. While no one around me can possibly understand or do something about this intense feeling of loneliness and craving for understanding I feel inside almost every moment that I'm awake and often bothers me while asleep, it is reassuring to know that I'm still part of something. Some kind of network, with individuals who do care at least a bit about me. If I was still stuck here at home with no one to talk to but some friends thousands of kilometers away, I'm not sure I'd still be here.

As I said, I do not know what next week will bring. I have my usual two appointments at the beauty salon, I'm also getting my hair cut on Tuesday with that birthday party later that day and the concert on Friday. Those are factual things, of which I do not know what may transpire during or between these events. I do not know how I'll feel after the party, after the concert. I do not know whether I'll get a response from the UMC hospital. I do not know whether they can really offer me anything or whether it'll just be another disappointment.

People have told me that change is part of life, but as I said in the beginning, there's a difference between stable, predictable change and erratic, chaotic change. The latter is bearable to some extent, but at this point I feel like nothing but a cheap plastic toy being tossed about in a fast-flowing river, getting sucked under water, crashing into rocks and so on, with no idea when it will end, or which pains and disappointments I'll be forced to suffer next, without being able to exercise even the tiniest amount of control over my life.

I can say that there are some good things in my life, that some things are fun or enjoyable, but taken as a whole, I honestly do not know why I'm still bothering. I'm just too tired to deal with the constant 'surprises' life keeps shooting at me using an air canon at high speeds.


No comments: