Saturday, 18 December 2010

The Same Pattern, Again

Earlier this week I sent an email including links to the MRI scans made so far to the MRI Centrum ( here in the Netherlands. They have looked at the MRI scans for signs of a vagina, and moments ago I received their report. They didn't see anything unusual, and concluded that the black tube visible on the MRI scans is just the front of the rectum wall. The German clinics just got confused. The email response continued by noting that I could receive further treatment at the UZ Gent in Belgium, in their transsexual protocol.

There are two things wrong with this. The first is that I am not looking to become anything. Yet again my wishes are completely misunderstood. What in the world would be the point of looking for answers to things I physically feel inside my own body if I'd just as easily get surgery to be a happy transsexual. I don't care about becoming or being a woman. I don't give a damn about gender or sexuality. I just want to know what I am.

This leads to the second thing wrong with this response: I, and others, can feel something underneath the skin which clearly does feel and respond like a vagina. While the MRI report says there's no tube visible, it doesn't provide an explanation for what this 'something' 'down there' is. That there is something is a fact, and I can't believe nobody can tell me what it is. I have sent an email response indicating this. I expect them to tell me that they don't see anything special on the MRI scans and that they can't provide an explanation for it.

If it sounds like I'm on the edge of hysteria it's because I am. Six years later and I'm still working on the basics. The more I try to get answers about what I am, the more I learn about what I am not. I'm not a woman, I'm not a man. I'm not a transsexual, that I could be intersexual is heavily controversial in the medical world. What I do or don't have in terms of reproductive organs and their functionality differs depending on who I ask.

I don't know anything. And I'm so tired of things being like this. It's making me think that the euthanasia option is the only humane way to deal with my situation. Next Tuesday I'll definitely discuss this with my GP, to see whether I can count on her helping me end this torturous existence next year if some ridiculous miracle doesn't occur soon.

Nobody can force me to live like this. Nobody can make me suffer like this. I make my own choices. Because in the end it's more important than anything to be free to choose the path one most desires.



Carin said...

just a question, as i've never seen anyone with a real deathwish before: did you consider the feelings of your loved ones in your wish for euthanasia? Your mother and siblings if you have those? Your friends?

Maya Posch said...

Kind of a silly question, isn't it? Of course I considered those and still do, but it just doesn't make any difference.

The whole thing about euthanasia is that it is there to end pointless physical and/or emotional suffering. I have tried to look at my entire situation from every possible angle, but unless a miracle is going to happen soon, this whole situation will just continue endlessly, and I'll keep suffering more and more.

I know it seems hard for outsiders without in-depth knowledge of my situation, let alone without having experienced such a situation him or herself that a physically and mentally healthy person would want to end it all, but it all comes down to those three little words: 'quality of life'.

I have to draw the line somewhere in my attempts to get my life back, as my current situation isn't making my family and friends any happier either.