Saturday, 4 December 2010


Last night I went to bed around 9 PM, got woken up by the dogs howling downstairs, couldn't sleep afterwards and didn't have the luxury of taking a sleeping pill because my housemate had forgotten to give me one. Ultimately I stayed up until midnight, an hour of which was spent talking on the phone with my mother, on the current situation between my housemate and I.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty okay, until things came crashing down around 8 AM, when I began to feel really sick. I don't really remember every detail of or order in which things happened, but all I know is that I took my temperature and it was around 37.6 degrees Celsius. At least it explained why I wasn't feeling so well, as well as my fuzzy memory. I went back to bed and slept for at least three hours.

Waking up my temperature had dropped 0.1C. Yay. I still felt quite miserable and absolutely not like eating. I did take the second valerian pill of the day, however. I felt miserable enough already without increasing the emotional misery as well :) I think it was around 2 PM when I finally began to feel a bit better. My temperature by then had dropped to just above 37C, which is still elevated for me (normal is ~36.6C). I was just left with this piercing headache and nasty cough.

The former was easily dealt with a handful of painkillers, the latter I can't seem to find any effective therapy for. Cough drops and such don't seem to have more than a very slight and temporary effect, so I'm just kind of struggling on there. The worst part of the experience so far was when I began to feel really suicidal and such. As I mentioned before, physical discomfort can really push me off a cliff, or at least very close to the edge.

Curious about this all is that I haven't been sick like this for many years. The last time I can remember was when I was still a child. My suspicion is that the added stress of the past few days has really affected my immune system, making me more susceptible than normally. The canker sores I got a few days ago are also a hint towards this.

The past few days have been quite surreal. I guess it's all part of the usual mourning process after realizing some terrible truth. First of course denial, then anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. The last stage kind of began yesterday, with yet another argument between my housemate and I which I think finally made me realize that bargaining really isn't going to work. Hence acceptance, no matter how hard it is. I can feel a lot of sadness and grief now when I think of how pleasant the past few years have been, which makes it so hard to deal with the current situation.

I guess things are going to rapidly change for me now, with the first release of a video game by Nyanko hopefully this month before XMas, which should lead to proper revenue for the company and financial independence for me, allowing me to start living on my own at last. I'll also start lobbying next year January, and I'll have my media debut in Germany that same month.

I also seem to be developing something resembling a network of friends. Next week I have one birthday party and one friend's concert scheduled. This would have been unthinkable even a few months ago. I'm also having the weekly torture appointments at the beauty salon again, which I'm looking forward to because the people there are just so nice and friendly. I'll never forget how they took care of me when I came there that one weekend, completely in shock and unable to speak even a single word lest I'd burst into tears.

There are so many good things in my life and so many good things just on the horizon, but Heavens know how hard it is to not be overwhelmed by darkness. Just a few more months...



Anonymous said...

Be strong, don't give up. Try to have fun and enjoy even in the bleakest time, and things would be better. Think positive.

Maya Posch said...

*thinks positive* :)

Nighty Night said...

glad you're feeling better, don't go getting ill again or i will knit you thermal underwear in a disgusting colour and make you wear it. that is both a threat and a promise.


Maya Posch said...

Well, technically I still have a pretty serious cold... I can't guarantee I'll be able to talk much tomorrow at the party :)

Oh, and I wonder why I'm feeling strangely titillated... *coughs*