Survival Through Self-Delusion, Or: I Just Want To Live

In early 2005 I figured that having figured out what was going on with my body I'd soon get help and have my life on track again in no time. Up till late 2010 I managed to keep up that delusion. By the time I got help outside the Netherlands in late 2011 it was already too late to restore my faith in the medical world.

In 2010 I began to lobby Dutch politicians. I figured that they'd be responsive and make things right if I could just make them listen. They didn't. A year later I was forced to give up.

In early 2011 I figured that if I just was able to move back to Amsterdam or the surrounding area I'd be able to make things work together with my friends there. A few months later I was forced to admit that it wasn't feasible for me to move and that I actually never had friends there.

I tried to move to Australia that same year. I never could find a job there and managed to waste money on a work visa which will expire a few months from now.

I also tried to move to Canada later that year. I never found a job there and was forced to give up on the idea.

I applied at Nokia in Norway and Google in Germany now. The possibility of getting a job at either company is low.

All I want is to live somewhere comfortable, without worrying about money or hostile medical systems. I just want to live and work and have friends and not fear for my life. I just want to feel at ease and have hobbies, play the guitar, finally learn to play the violin and work on these robotics and AI projects.

All I want to do is live.

All I am faced with is uncertainty and stress. It's a living nightmare to which I wake up every morning. I'm either by my lonesome where nothing happens and nothing changes, or I'm in the midst of this crowd, with leering faces and so many people living their lives. I don't want to be amongst them. I hate them for having succeeded where I have failed.

Tomorrow is my first job interview for Google. I would say that I hope for anything, but as they say one should learn from history. Self-delusion manifested.

I just wanted to live.


Maya

My Interview With Shefali Burns

Last Saturday I did an interview with minor Google+ celebrity Shefali Burns, a very friendly lady from Canada. She even postponed her breakfast and lunch so that she could interview me on my experiences growing up as a hermaphrodite in the conservative Netherlands. Give her a round of applause :)

Maya

Lawsuit Against Dutch Hospitals Has Been Denied

Just received word from my lawyer that the damages case against the Dutch hospitals for their incorrect and damaging treatment of my intersex case can not proceed because her medical adviser can not advise. The issue is that he can not find any specialists who can advise since all the Dutch ones are mentioned in the file and the Belgian and German ones couldn't advise since the protocols there are too different. This means that his advise is inconclusive and no medical basis for the case can be determined.

I think that this is indicative of how deeply intrenched this issue I'm dealing with is in the medical world, not just in the Netherlands, but world-wide. Unless someone knows a miraculous lawyer and medical adviser, I don't think that I can start a legal case.

And yet I have to do something with these seven years I have suffered due to the treatment of the Dutch medical and other systems. I still need more medical help and recognition for what has happened to me so that I can rebuild my life. It's not over yet for me. Nor is it over for the hundreds of millions of intersex people around the world who go through similar hellish scenarios.

I have contacted a first Dutch television show on this problem (Pauw & Witteman) as they are very much about cutting-edge issues. Beyond them I do not know of anyone else who might be able to help.

Suddenly this issue has turned from a certain win in court to another trench war. I really need some respite here. Anyone who can help or knows someone who can help, please do, or do ask... this needs media attention as it's just become very serious.

My mental state? Shaken, upset, crying and heading straight towards another stab at suicide again if I don't quickly find something to stabilize things with...

Please help... don't ignore me... don't let me fade... don't let me die...

Please...


Maya

Cats Have Sharp Claws, And MRI Results

I'll keep this brief as one of my fingers got mutilated by a cat yesterday and it hurts to type :)

After my weekly visit to the beauty salon yesterday I made my way to the train station when I saw this girl struggling with a very big and obviously very heavy cardboard box. After she accepted my help we carried it to her place, a number of streets away. It contained a scratching post for her cat, one of those big ones with the platforms and other stuff cats adore. Once at her place she offered me something to drink, which I accepted after a moment's doubt.

I must have spent there about two hours, playing with her cat, an 8-month old male, who managed to give me a few scratches including this one on my finger. We also drank tea and chatted about a lot of stuff, including the things which occupy me. It was kind of weird in a pleasant way to sit there in what was the home of a stranger who I had only met moments before, comfortably talking about life's issues. At least I hope the poor girl I was imposing on felt comfortable too :) In the end I gave her my business card and she shoved me out of the door. I guess we both lost track of time.

In some ways I'm glad that things are finally changing for me, even if it's very hard and tiring. This morning I got the MRI results from the knee specialist. He told me that the MRI was clear with no damage visible to the meniscus, ligaments or other tissues. The cause of my knee issues is blunt trauma to the knee resulting in bruised bone. This is something which will have to heal on its own and can take quite a long time in doing so. That it was caused by how the police treated me early last year might be fairly obvious by now.

While relieved that no surgery or anything else major is necessary I do feel quite miffed that I have to go through this and the continued pain and numbness in my wrists and hands due to the compression damage from the too tight cuffs. Earlier I filed the complaint against the police here regarding their rough treatment of me, mentioning the knee and nerve damage as well as the emotional damage suffered due to the worsening of my existing traumatic disorders. I do not expect anything major to happen as a result, but at least I will have done my bit.

Next up is physiotherapy for my knee to speed up the recovery and waiting for one of my lawyers to get back to me on the lawsuit against the hospitals here. Hopefully I'll hear back on that next week so that I can start contacting the Dutch media and get the ball rolling on exposing the horrible truth about the treatment of intersex people world-wide.

I often feel like I'm in a kind of virtual war zone, today is definitely among those days.


Maya

Torn Up And Bleeding To Death, Yet So Happy

The human mind's capacity to deal with psychological trauma is amazing. Before the medical insanity started I managed to ignore the trauma of not knowing what I was by staying a child emotionally and not realize it. I brushed off the traumas of getting bullied throughout primary and high school. For the past seven years I have chopped up the traumas of rape, sexual abuse, brainwashing and psychological and physical torture in bits and put them into separate personality fragments. Despite everything I stayed sane, even if I got locked out of more and more parts of society because of everything.

Yet the brain's capacity to deal with trauma goes only so far. The past years I have begun to experience sudden and severe episodes of crying, temporary paralysis, self-mutilation, suicidal moods and actual suicide attempts. The psychiatric evaluation in the criminal case against me has in many ways pushed me over the edge, as it has destroyed some of the archived memories. The result is renewed self-mutilation, severe suicidal moods and completely irrational behaviour, such as bashing my head against a sofa and responding to an urging voice by starting to scream and pounding on a desk before breaking down in tears again.

I'm still sane. I think. Maybe it truly is the rest of the world which is mad.

I'm trying to salvage what is left of my existence. I quit the psychiatric evaluation and am trying to contact a lawyer about it. Legal stuff is slow. The lawyer I have for the legal gender change let me know a few days ago that she had mistakenly sent the request to the wrong courthouse. It has now been forwarded and can take another 4-6 weeks before the request gets looked at. When I hear back from my other lawyer on the lawsuit I do not know. She said it'd be about this week, but we'll see. I hope that I can get some media attention for the lawsuit once it does begin in earnest, though.

When it comes to so-called social networks like Google+... I have abandoned them, maybe forever. Everyone there is far too happy leading their own happy lives to concern themselves with those less fortunate.

Finally, after many years and mostly thanks to my awesome friend Trevor, we now finally have a working game engine and some great tools to make games with. He has been teaching me how to use these tools so that I can write simple games using it now too. We can now finally begin work on the TileWars game, which makes me quite happy.

Amongst all of this there is also the urgent need for me to leave the Netherlands so that I can finally begin to recover from my traumas and reduce the unimaginable stress placed upon me by this hideous and twisted place. The only way I have found to accomplish this is to find a job in a suitable country. I'm currently waiting for job interviews with Nokia and Google, in the case of the former my second interview. I hope I'll hear from them soon. Waiting really upsets me. Better the brief rush of some important task than the agony of waiting for something which might as well never come.

Last Friday I did an interview with a Belgian magazine, called Dag Allemaal. From what some Belgian people on IRC have told me it's one of the better Belgian, Dutch-language tabloids and is well-known there. I'm not expecting miracles from it, but the article draft I received a few days ago was well-written. Maybe something will happen as a result of it. Most remarkable but not shocking to me was that this magazine could not find anyone else to do the interview with, not in the Netherlands or Belgium. This makes me the only intersex person in the Netherlands, Germany and now Belgium who is actually willing to make it public. Considering the abuse I have suffered over the years, maybe I should have kept it a secret too. Curse my inquisitiveness and sense of justice...

I need something cheerful to happen this week so that I'll stay emotionally stable. Just a little further and whatever protections I built up over the years will shatter and with it my mind...


Maya

The Nightmare Continued: Persecution, Torture, Prosecution.

This morning I had what turned out to be the first appointment with this psychiatrist as part of the psychiatric evaluation in the legal case against me for vandalism at the medical center here in Rijssen in May of last year. Fortunately this psychiatrist turned out to be an alright older lady, which made things less disturbing for me. We were also both surprised at the fact that I had not heard about this psychiatric evaluation in advance, nor about the extent of it from the Justice department.

Apparently I have been kept completely in the dark about anything related to the case beyond what the police officer told me a few months ago. I really do not appreciate this. This led to such gems during the appointment with the psychiatrist such as her mentioning that since I'm being prosecuted I might possibly not even leave the country while it's ongoing. She was also surprised that I didn't hear anything about an hearing yet. It's all so very confusing.

Next week I'll probably have to undergo a personality test with this same psychiatrist, or what else might end up being required. I was told that I can stop the evaluations at any point if it becomes too tough for me, but I'm pretty sure that doing so would harm my chances of getting the vandalism charges against me dropped due to lack of accountability as a result of my traumatic disorders. Even though these evaluations and this prosecution against me are a hugely disturbing thing.

When the option/possibility of clinical observation (for nearly two months) was mentioned I felt this sickening sensation. When the psychiatrist offered it again at the end of the conversation I felt this wrenching sensation and began to cry unstoppably as my throat constricted and I could barely breathe any more. After a short while I managed to get the hyperventilating under control again. I guess I won't be picking that option, and may have convinced the psychiatrist that it would be very harmful. Unless she thinks I was faking it, of course. Never will I be locked up again... I wouldn't be able to take it again.

Since I haven't received any notifications from the Justice department about travel restrictions or such I assume that I can just go to my job interview in Oslo next month and that I will be able to move to Norway without anyone keeping me in this Hell hole of a country. If not...

I don't want to die...

But I'm so tired...

Please...


Maya

Kicking Off The New Year With An Overflowing Agenda

First of all I'd like to express my gratitude that the holiday madness is finally coming to an end. With a week people will finally be returning to work and life will resume. Maybe less fun for those with busy jobs, but very pleasant for people like me who are waiting for things to happen.

For the first week of January 2012 I have the following items scheduled:

On Monday I have to make another appointment with the knee specialist after the MRI scan of said knee on Friday. I'll also hear when I have the interview with a Belgian magazine on that same day. On Tuesday I have an appointment with a psychologist regarding the incident in May of this year [1]. My mother and I have both claimed that due to my PTSD and DID I can not be held accountable for my actions. This appointment was requested by the judge handling this case as part of standard protocol. I'm not too worried that any charges against me might remain after this. My psychotherapist is also 100% on my side.

On Thursday morning I'm heading to the beauty salon for my weekly appointment there. On Friday I have the MRI scan of my knee as the specialist wants to examine the possibility of a tear in the meniscus. During this week I also expect an email from Nokia confirming the date of my next job interview.

The second week I expect to hear back from both my lawyers on the legal gender change request and the conclusion of the medical adviser in the hospital lawsuit case. Depending on the outcome of the latter I'll be contacting Dutch media to inform them about said lawsuit and get a feel for their interest in my story and related.

During the third or fourth week of January I expect to have the second and maybe third job interview at Nokia, with the latter being in-person in Oslo, Norway. I hope I get that far, as I know that I do much better if people can both see and hear me. Job interviews by phone like the one I had and the upcoming second one are quite frustrating due to the limitations of the technology.

At any rate it's going to be one heck of a busy month. I hope it gets me everything I want so that I can sail smoothly into February and prepare to leave the Netherlands.


Maya


[1] http://mayaposch.blogspot.com/2011/05/taking-nightmare-notch-further.html