Torn Up And Bleeding To Death, Yet So Happy

The human mind's capacity to deal with psychological trauma is amazing. Before the medical insanity started I managed to ignore the trauma of not knowing what I was by staying a child emotionally and not realize it. I brushed off the traumas of getting bullied throughout primary and high school. For the past seven years I have chopped up the traumas of rape, sexual abuse, brainwashing and psychological and physical torture in bits and put them into separate personality fragments. Despite everything I stayed sane, even if I got locked out of more and more parts of society because of everything.

Yet the brain's capacity to deal with trauma goes only so far. The past years I have begun to experience sudden and severe episodes of crying, temporary paralysis, self-mutilation, suicidal moods and actual suicide attempts. The psychiatric evaluation in the criminal case against me has in many ways pushed me over the edge, as it has destroyed some of the archived memories. The result is renewed self-mutilation, severe suicidal moods and completely irrational behaviour, such as bashing my head against a sofa and responding to an urging voice by starting to scream and pounding on a desk before breaking down in tears again.

I'm still sane. I think. Maybe it truly is the rest of the world which is mad.

I'm trying to salvage what is left of my existence. I quit the psychiatric evaluation and am trying to contact a lawyer about it. Legal stuff is slow. The lawyer I have for the legal gender change let me know a few days ago that she had mistakenly sent the request to the wrong courthouse. It has now been forwarded and can take another 4-6 weeks before the request gets looked at. When I hear back from my other lawyer on the lawsuit I do not know. She said it'd be about this week, but we'll see. I hope that I can get some media attention for the lawsuit once it does begin in earnest, though.

When it comes to so-called social networks like Google+... I have abandoned them, maybe forever. Everyone there is far too happy leading their own happy lives to concern themselves with those less fortunate.

Finally, after many years and mostly thanks to my awesome friend Trevor, we now finally have a working game engine and some great tools to make games with. He has been teaching me how to use these tools so that I can write simple games using it now too. We can now finally begin work on the TileWars game, which makes me quite happy.

Amongst all of this there is also the urgent need for me to leave the Netherlands so that I can finally begin to recover from my traumas and reduce the unimaginable stress placed upon me by this hideous and twisted place. The only way I have found to accomplish this is to find a job in a suitable country. I'm currently waiting for job interviews with Nokia and Google, in the case of the former my second interview. I hope I'll hear from them soon. Waiting really upsets me. Better the brief rush of some important task than the agony of waiting for something which might as well never come.

Last Friday I did an interview with a Belgian magazine, called Dag Allemaal. From what some Belgian people on IRC have told me it's one of the better Belgian, Dutch-language tabloids and is well-known there. I'm not expecting miracles from it, but the article draft I received a few days ago was well-written. Maybe something will happen as a result of it. Most remarkable but not shocking to me was that this magazine could not find anyone else to do the interview with, not in the Netherlands or Belgium. This makes me the only intersex person in the Netherlands, Germany and now Belgium who is actually willing to make it public. Considering the abuse I have suffered over the years, maybe I should have kept it a secret too. Curse my inquisitiveness and sense of justice...

I need something cheerful to happen this week so that I'll stay emotionally stable. Just a little further and whatever protections I built up over the years will shatter and with it my mind...


Maya