Tuesday, 3 January 2012

The Nightmare Continued: Persecution, Torture, Prosecution.

This morning I had what turned out to be the first appointment with this psychiatrist as part of the psychiatric evaluation in the legal case against me for vandalism at the medical center here in Rijssen in May of last year. Fortunately this psychiatrist turned out to be an alright older lady, which made things less disturbing for me. We were also both surprised at the fact that I had not heard about this psychiatric evaluation in advance, nor about the extent of it from the Justice department.

Apparently I have been kept completely in the dark about anything related to the case beyond what the police officer told me a few months ago. I really do not appreciate this. This led to such gems during the appointment with the psychiatrist such as her mentioning that since I'm being prosecuted I might possibly not even leave the country while it's ongoing. She was also surprised that I didn't hear anything about an hearing yet. It's all so very confusing.

Next week I'll probably have to undergo a personality test with this same psychiatrist, or what else might end up being required. I was told that I can stop the evaluations at any point if it becomes too tough for me, but I'm pretty sure that doing so would harm my chances of getting the vandalism charges against me dropped due to lack of accountability as a result of my traumatic disorders. Even though these evaluations and this prosecution against me are a hugely disturbing thing.

When the option/possibility of clinical observation (for nearly two months) was mentioned I felt this sickening sensation. When the psychiatrist offered it again at the end of the conversation I felt this wrenching sensation and began to cry unstoppably as my throat constricted and I could barely breathe any more. After a short while I managed to get the hyperventilating under control again. I guess I won't be picking that option, and may have convinced the psychiatrist that it would be very harmful. Unless she thinks I was faking it, of course. Never will I be locked up again... I wouldn't be able to take it again.

Since I haven't received any notifications from the Justice department about travel restrictions or such I assume that I can just go to my job interview in Oslo next month and that I will be able to move to Norway without anyone keeping me in this Hell hole of a country. If not...

I don't want to die...

But I'm so tired...

Please...


Maya

3 comments:

Swati said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this difficult time. At the risk of sounding banal, please allow me to tell you that things will get better, as they always do, and you have friends. Please don't give up.

Gary Levin said...

Things will get better. If you have no intention of going back get out as soon as you can. Write down your reasons and the difficulties. Usually they can do an outpatient observation and you should not be 'inccarcerated' unless they think you are a clear and present danger to yourself or someone else....

Sieng Chong Ling said...

May you have

enough peace to keep you sane and contented
enough confidence in yourself
enough courage to take on bigger tasks this year
enough strength when you are faced with various onstacles
enough persistence to overcome your problems
enough good friends to share and have good time with
enough wisdom to do what is right