Survival Through Self-Delusion, Or: I Just Want To Live

In early 2005 I figured that having figured out what was going on with my body I'd soon get help and have my life on track again in no time. Up till late 2010 I managed to keep up that delusion. By the time I got help outside the Netherlands in late 2011 it was already too late to restore my faith in the medical world.

In 2010 I began to lobby Dutch politicians. I figured that they'd be responsive and make things right if I could just make them listen. They didn't. A year later I was forced to give up.

In early 2011 I figured that if I just was able to move back to Amsterdam or the surrounding area I'd be able to make things work together with my friends there. A few months later I was forced to admit that it wasn't feasible for me to move and that I actually never had friends there.

I tried to move to Australia that same year. I never could find a job there and managed to waste money on a work visa which will expire a few months from now.

I also tried to move to Canada later that year. I never found a job there and was forced to give up on the idea.

I applied at Nokia in Norway and Google in Germany now. The possibility of getting a job at either company is low.

All I want is to live somewhere comfortable, without worrying about money or hostile medical systems. I just want to live and work and have friends and not fear for my life. I just want to feel at ease and have hobbies, play the guitar, finally learn to play the violin and work on these robotics and AI projects.

All I want to do is live.

All I am faced with is uncertainty and stress. It's a living nightmare to which I wake up every morning. I'm either by my lonesome where nothing happens and nothing changes, or I'm in the midst of this crowd, with leering faces and so many people living their lives. I don't want to be amongst them. I hate them for having succeeded where I have failed.

Tomorrow is my first job interview for Google. I would say that I hope for anything, but as they say one should learn from history. Self-delusion manifested.

I just wanted to live.


Maya