I do not know what the truth or reality is any more. The only thing I am certain of is real, tangible and good is anything science and tech-related. Basically anything intellectual is good.
People... society... me as a person... me... I don't know. I do not know whether feeling suicidal is the right response or not. I do not know whether feeling hopeful about my future is a good thing or self-delusion. I do not know when something is proper help or when it's just leading me astray again.
After yesterday I have decided to hold off on this whole life coach thing as it's just horribly upsetting me so far. The interview I also did yesterday for a Los Angeles station was in essence a good experience, but it makes it once again clear how screwed up my situation is. The guy interviewing me, Cary Harrison, said that to him it sounded like I'd qualify for refugee status without any questions asked after my experiences in the Netherlands the past year. It made me think that it might be the case. Even if it's so incredibly hard to qualify for such a status and the attached help.
At this point I'm again strongly considering suicide. This entire day I have felt irritable, again behaving in a manner which is completely opposite to my usual patient and thoughtful behaviour. That I will not get help seems like an absolute certainty. That the lawsuit and any appearance on Dutch television is going to turn into another costly disappointment is also quite certain.
I'm sick of humans. I'm sick of being human. All humans mean to me is pain and uncertainty. All being human means to me is pain and suffering. I'm less and less certain each passing day of what my normal emotional state is supposed to be. Each passing day it seems more and more certain that I just haven't admitted yet that I'm an utter failure.
Being smart or pretty doesn't mean anything if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I just nearly exploded again while I was typing the above. There's so much rage and so much pain inside me. Just crying or punching something isn't going to make it go away. I'll probably have to drug up again on codeine. I should just overdose on it and get this over with.
The only way I can keep existing is if I stop being human.