Saturday, 17 March 2012

I Can Not Be Human. I Do Not Want To Be Human

I do not know what the truth or reality is any more. The only thing I am certain of is real, tangible and good is anything science and tech-related. Basically anything intellectual is good.

People... society... me as a person... me... I don't know. I do not know whether feeling suicidal is the right response or not. I do not know whether feeling hopeful about my future is a good thing or self-delusion. I do not know when something is proper help or when it's just leading me astray again.

After yesterday I have decided to hold off on this whole life coach thing as it's just horribly upsetting me so far. The interview I also did yesterday for a Los Angeles station was in essence a good experience, but it makes it once again clear how screwed up my situation is. The guy interviewing me, Cary Harrison, said that to him it sounded like I'd qualify for refugee status without any questions asked after my experiences in the Netherlands the past year. It made me think that it might be the case. Even if it's so incredibly hard to qualify for such a status and the attached help.

At this point I'm again strongly considering suicide. This entire day I have felt irritable, again behaving in a manner which is completely opposite to my usual patient and thoughtful behaviour. That I will not get help seems like an absolute certainty. That the lawsuit and any appearance on Dutch television is going to turn into another costly disappointment is also quite certain.

I'm sick of humans. I'm sick of being human. All humans mean to me is pain and uncertainty. All being human means to me is pain and suffering. I'm less and less certain each passing day of what my normal emotional state is supposed to be. Each passing day it seems more and more certain that I just haven't admitted yet that I'm an utter failure.

Being smart or pretty doesn't mean anything if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I just nearly exploded again while I was typing the above. There's so much rage and so much pain inside me. Just crying or punching something isn't going to make it go away. I'll probably have to drug up again on codeine. I should just overdose on it and get this over with.

The only way I can keep existing is if I stop being human.



Wayne Nix said...

There are a lot of people who would like to not be human. Unfortunately there's no surgery for that.

I'd like to be a dolphin for a day or two before I die. said...

Maya, calm down a bit and steady yoursel. Then get expert help immediately, don't wait till you harm yourself. You need an empathetic, supportive person around you, who is not afraid of you and who is truthful. This may be a bizarre offer, but I can come to help you.

Frans Faase said...

You are not a utterly failure! I understand that you might feel like that, but I can't believe it is true.

Please think about all the people that would come to your funeral in case you do commit suicide. Do you really think that no one will show up at your funeral? I can't hardly believe this. I guess that many people would feel sad. I guess that there must be some who would have liked to comfort you, if the could have.

Thomas said...

Hi Maya.

From reading your blog I get the impression you are a pretty darn strong young lady. And I think you have some things that bring you that strength.

As you say, you are a pretty smart girl (understatement warning!) and you are someone that understands new things quickly, most likely faster than others around you.
What this means is that you get joy from researching and creating things. To solve a problem you think deeply, do some coding or research or something similar and you all by yourself come up with an answer. Solving problems generates joy.

I think this is immensely helpful in your daily life. You and you alone can decide to do fun things like creating software, solving issues, etc. Nobody can take that away from you.
And when you do this, when you find joy in just creating cool stuff, you have less need for the world around you to accept or even embrace you.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying for one second that your fight is not important, Its immensely important. What I'm saying is that your sanity and franly your life is more important, right now.

Or, to put it very plainly in words; you are a special and very valuable girl. Someone that makes this world a better place. If you end it, or if you stop creating cool stuff, then the people that are scared are the ones that win.

Love and hugs