Stabilizing someone who suffers from frequent suicidal moods and who may already have undertaken one or more attempts is no easy feat. It gets tougher when no immediate change to a (perceived) safe environment can be established.
I have known since at least 2009 that I'm highly suicidal, with as direct cause the excessive and chronic stress I have been subjected to since early 2005 due to the psychological torture and personal deconstruction I have been exposed to through the efforts of the Dutch healthcare and political systems. During and after 2009 I have undertaken many attempts, with the most successful one so far resulting in me being rushed to the ER. After that attempt in particular I changed, feeling strongly that I should have died that time, a feeling which hasn't faded since.
After my first appointment with my new life coach, about whom I shall write more in a later article, a dangerous journey has been started. Three goals were set: getting my own place, spending time on hobbies and entertainment and getting a social life. The former is required because where I currently live (Rijssen) is one of the worst places in the Netherlands to live due to its Christian attitude. I can not get a family doctor here after rejection by all of them and in general my presence in this city is deemed undesirable. Not having my own room and being socially isolated is wreaking havoc on my mood as well.
My life coach has offered to look and ask around for a place I could rent (cheaply) in the nearby city of Deventer, something which should be quite possible. We have together set a target date of April 9th for finding and getting me that place of my own. It's a rather pleasant city and barring any financial difficulties in affording rent and utilities (and food), I should flourish there.
And yet I nearly committed suicide again last night.
With so many uncertainties about my future, occasional thoughts of running out of money, of not being able to afford a place in Deventer at all (being virtually broke), of the lawsuit preparations against the hospitals taking so long, of my legal gender change still being months away at best, of the media deeming my treatment by the Dutch hospitals acceptable, of... I'm so frightened. And I hate this body for causing it all.
I was busy taking the first of a pile of pills before I was able to hold myself back from taking more. Instead of a lethal dose (which I would probably have vomited out anyway), I just took a mild overdose.
While I hate my current situation with all the passion I can muster, the thought of this possible future scenario terrifies me enough to actually consider the situation I was in 2-3 years ago with the Dutch hospitals actively torturing me preferable to my current and possible future situation. It's so wrong that I think like that, but on the other hand it's a known quantity... and it feels comfortable in a sense. Some would call it Stockholm syndrome .
I hope that this transition to a new and possibly safer situation happens rapidly and doesn't put me so far outside my few comfort zones that panic sets in again and I'll do the unspeakable. All I want is to feel safe and welcome. Somewhere. Not panic-stricken and on the verge of lashing out - at myself mostly - every waking moment. I want to stop feeling useless and irrelevant.