Emptiness...

Sorry for not updating my blog for a while. Things have been moving rather quickly, and confusingly, leaving me more often than not to the decision to defer updating at some later point. I also wanted to write something happy for a change, which I guess I could have done on Monday, after my mother and younger brother came to visit me. It was good to see them again.

Beyond that it was mostly more of the usual gloom-'n'-doom, such as me not playing on Wednesday with D&D as I have decided to quit playing with this group. The reasons behind this decision are somewhat personal and may hurt the fragile feelings of certain people, thus I won't list them here. At any rate it's all rather irrelevant.

A few hours ago I finally got the long-expected phone call from the Erasmus MC regarding the MRI analysis. My expectations on this matter had been swinging between relatively determined positive to rather negative. Unfortunately it turned out that yet again my negative, pessimistic feelings were right.

According to Ms v.d. Berg, the analysis showed that I've got no vagina, yet do have a prostate. The complete opposite of the German report, in other words. As a result I got kicked out of this hospital as well, as they only treat intersexual people there, which I then supposedly am not. She proposed that I should go back to the VU to join the treatment for transsexuals there.

Obviously this news has completely and utterly devastated me. I had to give the phone to NG after a while as I broke down in tears. His reasoning with v.d. Berg had no effect either. As a result of this I'm now back where I started, with me knowing even less about myself.

Am I intersexual? Am I transsexual? Am I a boy? Am I girl? What am I? Who am I? All I know is that my body has largely decided to develop itself in a distinctly feminine way, that I've got semi-functional male sexual organs, that I may or may not have female sexual organs (yet I can only get female orgasms), and that at least my blood has an XY genotype. In other words I know jack sh*t.

My feelings and experiences tell me that I am right... that I am intersexual, that I'm just the result of some freakish glitch during development, yet the answers to this question will remain hidden. Meanwhile I feel that the last shreds of reality are slowly slipping through my fingers. My struggles to find friends, to maybe work on a relationship... it all seems so utterly foolish now. I just went off and assumed that everything would be fine now, only to smack head-first into a brick wall like this.

At this point I just feel emptiness and bitterness. Empty since my entire emotional side has decided to slit its wrists and throat and every other artery it had access to, and bitter because it seems that life loves to keep throwing me curve balls like this. It's as though someone behind the screens is hinting me to give up already. I'm afraid that if this continues that I might give in.

What to do from this point onwards... NG has been calling around a bit, and for tonight I've got an appointment with a counselor who might be able to make me feel a little better. Next week Monday I've got an appointment with my physician, of whom I'm not sure she can help me. I don't think that anyone can help me with this issue anymore. I'll never find out what I am and never develop anything resembling a normal emotional side instead of this car chain collision wreckage of a traumatized mess I had as an emotional side before I bled it out earlier.

On a happier note, I don't seem to be too terribly depressed yet, my rational side is keeping me afloat, and I'm looking forward to doing some serious work, especially with some new computer parts arriving next week (yay for upgrading). Ironically it's the death of my emotional side which has motivated me to do something useful. I guess that means I have found the problem which kept me from doing my duties.

So long,


Maya