Sigh...

Today I mostly felt completely horrible, until I finished crying after nearly half an hour and my emotions died away. The rest of the day I've been setting up the development environment for my company's software development, testing and research into AI and robotics.

It was fun to find myself wondering whether one could commit suicide with regular pain killers. I suppose it's possible if one has enough of them, if only from a stroke or so due to the blood-thinning effect. I'm not really interested in committing suicide, though, nor do I care about things in general. I just want to work right now, get something finished of the things I've been working on for the past years, so that finally I may become someone more well-known, instead of the nobody I am now.

I guess that's what bothers me a lot, how I can be so cut off from the entire world, while everyone it seems is getting their pictures placed in all kinds of magazines, or otherwise find themselves in the spotlight. I crave attention, I crave feeling important, feeling successful, appreciated... not like an existence desperate trying to carve out a place for itself.

I'm getting so sick of standing in front of the mirror, trying to talk myself into believing that I really am not that ugly, that this body is something I can live with. This is a task I have to repeat every day if there's no outside influence which helps me balance out my self-image. I think it has become clear what happens if this balance swings the wrong way.

Ah well... just over two weeks to go until I get that decisive phone call...


Maya