Monday, 28 April 2008


The past days have been really stressing and confusing for me, but I think that at last my mind has found a new balance. In order to deal with the conflicting reports regarding my supposed IS condition, it has decided that I do not have any sexual organs. that I never had them and never will have them. Therefore sexuality and all of the pain, suffering and anguish which comes with it doesn't apply to me.

Of course, this is hardly natural and in the long term I don't foresee it being very practical, if it even lasts that long. At least it beats threatening everyone that I'll kill myself if they don't help me immediately.

Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. In it the daughter of the friend of my mother I visited earlier this year after the family gathering, had suddenly died, of which I received a short message informing me. I think that this girl represents the girl I want(ed) to be, and that this is the symbolical death of this goal. Like I said, pretty disturbing, even if one doesn't interpret it this way.

At 2 PM I've got an appointment with my physician, where I'll hopefully get some support in my quest for actual answers. If I said that I'm hoping I'll get the support I want, then I'd be lying. All hope I had on Friday before that phone call has bled out of me. All I feel when I think of further build-ups to another test or whatever and the inevitable subsequent disappointment, I can feel this intense bitterness and pain.

Nevertheless, I still welcome any kind of relief in this maddening uncertainty and sequences of incomprehensible events. At least I no longer carry the hope and desire to gain friends, or ever have a relationship. Which is a good thing, as it seems as though whenever someone gets close enough to me, they almost always just drop me like a brick, without ever telling me why. Try not getting bitter after that.

My apologies for turning into such a bitter, negative person.



John Hoo said...

Well, even if you have no desire to make any friends, I'd still be your friend. Anytime, anyday. ;)

And you don't even need to threaten to AN HERO for that.

Maya Posch said...

Well, don't get me wrong, I'd love to have lots of really good friends. In fact it's something I could really use :)

I guess that being alone for 10+ years kind of makes one bitter :(

John Hoo said...

I understand the bitterness. I didn't let the loneliness go for 10+ years, but I do understand it...

I suppose the first step to getting out of the loneliness is to acknowledge your humanity and need for (more) friends. Without acknowledging that you need them..., you really won't be bothered getting them.

Note, I'm not encouraging you to go to bars and get smashed to earn "friends". I'm talking about real friends.


Maya Posch said...

Naturally ;)

I guess it's friend hunting time here in Almere, then? :D

John Hoo said...

Well, go sit in a public library or something. Find someone reading a book you like, and introduce yourself.

Or go some place people do what you like. I do the same with cars. I go race, and I see a lot of people who like racing cars. If I see that they're alone, I go shake hands with them, talk to them, talk about their cars etc.

People think I lack social skills. Little do they know I talk to people quite often..., as long as they're not jackasses or airheads.

Maya Posch said...

I'll just have to find to do something around here, then :)

Anyone from Almere is welcome to assist, of course ;)

Alianirlian said...

Well, I live in Almere, for one. I've been following your blog for some time now, even posted a few comments in the past. And should we become friends, there's no ulterior motive here - I'm safely married (so no possible interest in a relationship to complicate matters). As for the rest... feel free to contact me and we'll see where we end.

(contact data on my website: