The past days have been really stressing and confusing for me, but I think that at last my mind has found a new balance. In order to deal with the conflicting reports regarding my supposed IS condition, it has decided that I do not have any sexual organs. that I never had them and never will have them. Therefore sexuality and all of the pain, suffering and anguish which comes with it doesn't apply to me.
Of course, this is hardly natural and in the long term I don't foresee it being very practical, if it even lasts that long. At least it beats threatening everyone that I'll kill myself if they don't help me immediately.
Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. In it the daughter of the friend of my mother I visited earlier this year after the family gathering, had suddenly died, of which I received a short message informing me. I think that this girl represents the girl I want(ed) to be, and that this is the symbolical death of this goal. Like I said, pretty disturbing, even if one doesn't interpret it this way.
At 2 PM I've got an appointment with my physician, where I'll hopefully get some support in my quest for actual answers. If I said that I'm hoping I'll get the support I want, then I'd be lying. All hope I had on Friday before that phone call has bled out of me. All I feel when I think of further build-ups to another test or whatever and the inevitable subsequent disappointment, I can feel this intense bitterness and pain.
Nevertheless, I still welcome any kind of relief in this maddening uncertainty and sequences of incomprehensible events. At least I no longer carry the hope and desire to gain friends, or ever have a relationship. Which is a good thing, as it seems as though whenever someone gets close enough to me, they almost always just drop me like a brick, without ever telling me why. Try not getting bitter after that.
My apologies for turning into such a bitter, negative person.