This morning I began to experience the backlash of yesterday. The thought with which I woke up was that if the report from Rotterdam is right, and nothing will further change about my situation, then I don't want to keep living, as knowing what I am is painful every day over and over again. Experiencing this pain for another few decades seems like pointless torture to me.
There's still a bright spot, though. When I was talking to the counselor yesterday, she suggested an exploratory operation, since that's the only 'test' which is not subject to interpretation. If my physician agrees to it, and we can find a surgeon crazy enough, then this may be my last chance.
The past few hours I've been feeling like I'm completely losing my grip on reality. I just got the MRI report from Rotterdam in the mailbox, which only worsened my condition. I began to look at myself in the mirror while considering the possibility that with my XY genes and supposedly regular male genitals, I'm just a freakishly female-looking guy, that I was wrong about myself, about my own body all along. Ergo if I'm not crazy already, I'm becoming it now. I'm totally losing the plot here.
Please help me...