Thursday, 3 April 2008

Sick From Anxiety...

Less than 24 hours to go until my appointment in Rotterdam with the gynaecologist... Today I'm more anxious than I have been in the past weeks. Especially after the D&D night yesterday, on the way back it really hit me that there's no more time left. This is it.

While I do have some faith in that things will go right this and I will get the response and help I've been seeking for years, the emotional turmoil inside me is almost too much to bear. My mood keeps shifting between careful optimism and downright depression, with various states in between. It feels as though my whole life is focused on this one appointment, as though it'll decide whether I'll live or die.

In a sense that isn't so far-fetched. Last night, before I went to bed I went upstairs to say goodnight to NG, but saw that he had gone to bed already. This combined with various (negative) impressions during the day made me feel rather lonely. Without the protective blanket of friendship I began to plan my eventual suicide should Friday's appointment turn out as negative as the last one.

At some point my rational mind realized what was going on, threw in some thoughts to make me realize what in the world I was planning to do, and broke the spell. At this point I was already lying in my bed, and ended up soaking my pillow with tears yet again. Noticing my emotional distress I forced myself to get up, browse around a bit and watch some movies. After a few hours I felt I had calmed down enough to try sleeping again. I did this because it's bad practice to fall asleep while feeling depressed, as you'll wake up feeling even worse.

At any rate I can say that the level of anxiety I'm experiencing is akin to that the days preceding the MRI scan last year. As you may remember, on the day of the MRI scan itself I was so anxious that I couldn't eat a single bite. That day was about discovering the truth, about discovering whether I was right or not, so that I could finally move on with my life, or so I thought.

Tomorrow is about my future. A future in which I can be an adult, where I can live with nothing more than a faint feeling of regret at certain things, yet in the knowledge that everything has been taken care of as well as possible.

The only alternative to that future is the waking nightmare I find myself in every time I wake up, where I know nothing, am nothing and everything hurts. No wonder my mind keeps considering suicide... Eternal sleep isn't so bad in this case.

Here goes nothing...


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