I should have seen this one coming... Today I've been feeling depressed and miserably all day. The reason? First of all there's the realization that right now I'm at the exact same spot where I was at the end of last year, after the MRI scan, nearly half a year ago. Then there's getting the surgery which, even if it ever happens, will probably take many months yet again. The resulting feeling of intense bitterness makes me just want to jump off a tall building or plunge something sharp into my tummy until I bleed to death. Any pain is better than this emotional distress I'm in.
Tomorrow I've got an appointment with my physician... I'll talk things over with her... she'll probably tell me to get back into contact with the Erasmus MC, who'll be slow as usual, even after screwing up the first time. There's no love in this world... just periods of calm weather in-between intense pain. Don't let me do this all on my own, please...
Odd, isn't it? Everyone expected me to cheer up after getting the confirmation on the first MRI report, but now I'm at least as depressed and suicidal as I was before, just with a slightly different focus. It just means that my life is hell and will never turn out fine. I can see no bright light in the distance, no hope, nothing to celebrate. Just more struggling and pain.
Perhaps I really should just end it all tonight...
Maya
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