Saturday, 14 June 2008


Yesterday I first went to my appointment with my physician, who I informed of the news from Germany. She agreed that I should go back to the Erasmus MC as soon as I had received the CD with MRI images and the report. Fun how this just reinforces the fact that I'm still trying to convince medical specialists here, while in a sane world they'd be the ones helping me from the start. This still makes me feel so angry and depressed simultaneously.

My physician also had the hormone values from the blood test a few weeks ago. All levels were normal, aside from prolactin, which was elevated. She mentioned prolactin possibly being elevated due to my body fighting against the hormones I'm taking, or just from stress. Perhaps I should do more research in the medical literature, but I haven't found anything which says anything about the former. Prolactin seems to be a far more benign hormone, even: . Stress seems to be the best reason anyway, considering my prolactin levels have never been tested before, and I've been under severe emotional stress for the past years. At any rate I have to get another blood test with about a week, and also schedule an appointment with an endocrinologist.

We also discussed why it seems as though this whole IS issue seems to be an obsession for me, a fact which I think can be explained by that I have lived withdrawn into myself for 15+ years, only really came out of it last year, and lack any kind of real life social and other skills. Having to learn those things confronts me constantly with the fact that I'm IS and thus different and sometimes even handicapped. This has resulted in many traumas embedding themselves into me.

A reminder of this being different was when after my physician appointment I went to make an appointment with my dentist. The assistant there asked me to fill in a form since this was my first appointment there, which resulted in the usual questions from my side about my name (legal and unofficial) and the use of hormones (an issue or not). This led her to think that maybe I was a transsexual or so, which made it necessary for her to explain my situation. She had seen the Oprah Winfrey show earlier this week on TV, so she was somewhat informed. God, I hate transsexuals...

Anyway, otherwise the conversation with this assistant was rather nice. She seemed to be an open and honest person. I felt quite good about the whole experience when I returned home, where shortly after I took another 2-hour 'nap'. That night there'd be a movie night after all, and I needed to be awake for it.

The movie night was organized by Alex, at his house in Almere. There were about 15 people total who arrived and left and some stayed in the time I was there. Of the people who stayed there were three girls and 5-6 men, including Pieter. It was a rather nice experience, watching bad movies and laughing at/commenting on them, until later that night.

While I was sitting on a couch with two of the girls, one of the guys felt the need to sit next to one of them and flirt with her, even putting his arm around her. It's hard to describe the feelings of disgust and wrongness which I felt rise up from my stomach at that point. Later when the three of them (the guy and the two girls) were sitting there discussing miscarriages and pregnancy in general I tried not to listen at first, but was about to yell at them to shut up when the movie fortunately interrupted their talk. This was the final straw, however, as my traumas had been fully triggered by now.

Suppressing my traumas taking so much mental strength, I was completely drained at that time at around 1.30 AM and when Pieter asked me whether we should go home (he had been on a round trip to Italy for his work on Thursday and still tired from it), I readily agreed. Muttering some apologies to the girl sitting next to me and telling her to ask Alex for the reasons behind my strange behaviour I left the place with Pieter.

On the way home in Pieter's car I felt horribly empty aside from this raging pain and depression deep inside me. I realized a few things, though, one of them being that the reason why this guy doing that made me feel so horrible was because he isn't a 'friend'. Guys to me can be two things in varying degrees: a guy and a friend. Guys I don't know or only slightly are primarily guys and are giving a chance to become friends, many failing this chance. For this reason Pieter is primarily a friend and thus I can trust him until he starts to behave more like a guy. This guy however is primarily a guy and a guy flirting with a girl is a bad, bad, evil and sinful thing. Why I think this latter I don't know, but I'm fairly sure it's deeply embedded and complex. Sorry, person who sent me an email telling me to just let go of certain traumas including this one. It ain't happening that easily.

When Pieter and I were nearly home, I began to cry softly, which he noticed after we had arrived and he comforted me for a while until I felt somewhat better. After that I stumbled inside and towards my room since I had developed a splitting headache. After taking some painkillers I went to bed.

Waking up today I felt exhausted, empty, tortured. Only obligation today is grocery shopping. I wonder if I should remove the remainders of the makeup I put on yesterday, as the black under my eyes feels somehow appropriate in describing my mood. I feel worn thin, exhausted and yes, stressed. Yesterday was a forceful reminder of why I am incapable of interacting with others outside my work. It's just like how before last year I wouldn't even try to interact with others in any non-professional manner, leaving my emotions completely out of the equation and rendering things like sexuality and relations (and of course friendship) completely irrelevant. At times like this I long back to that situation...



Adriana said...

Of course.

John Hoo said...

Perhaps it's just you having been "stuck" in your previous depressed state for 15+ years with no hope...

Relationships, friendship, guys, girls, socializing, whatever... These things take time. You don't simply "get out" and have a life as so many people would want you to believe.

It takes practice and commitment. Keep trying..., and as you get better at it..., perhaps you'll find life more fulfilling?

That Pieter guy's a good man. Don't know how you see him..., but he's certainly a friend of yours. See? You already have made steps away from being a hermit!