Saturday, 21 June 2008

I'll Leave If You Don't Want Me To Stay...

Yesterday I finally received the CD with MRI images. No MRI report from the second clinic, though, as in that case they'd have required me to pay for a full scan (hundreds of Euros). I can clearly see that this is the CD they used in Duisburg as it's been opened. Looking at the images on the CD it's clear that these are different images than on the first CD. On the first CD I could even see fat deposits near the tummy area, something which I don't have. Together with this letter I got two more from the first German clinic, two (identical) bills for the CD. I sent Privatescan an email to inquire about this, as I didn't realize I had to pay for it since they sent me the wrong CD to begin with.

Also received with these letters was one from the VUMC's complaint commission. In it they argued that what I propose for my physical configuration (both a penis and vagina) is impossible and is not found in the medical literature. Because the CD with MRI images I gave them (with the wrong images, naturally) didn't show the presence of female organs, they reject my complaint.

In it they do point out that the absence of a prostate can be clarified by atrophication. With me taking hormones, it is shrinking and becoming less dense. This would explain why on the ultrasound I had a few years ago they did see a prostate and now they don't.

So I'll get nothing back for the 2.5 years I've wasted fighting against psychologists. In their eyes I'm just a poor kid suffering from gender dysmorphia, who can not accept that he is subject to this and instead has conjured up ideas of being intersexual. I can honestly say that if next Wednesday's conversation with the doctor from the Erasmus MC doesn't produce any results, I'm just about ready to give up.

Here I am again... defending myself against what I see as injustice. No specialist has ever interested him or herself enough to actually look at me and perform some tests which matter. It was just me gathering evidence through whatever means I saw available to slowly assemble a likely answer to why my body is so odd. The frustration over the lack of recognition of this fact by medical specialists is producing an enormous amount of stress for me, and is the prime reason why I'm suffering from depressions and suicidal moods.

Two days ago a Dutch (female) friend I know via IRC suddenly started yelling at me and treating me like dirt. This was enough to decide to abandon online interactions as well. All I've got now is my work which is only for myself and this last attempt at getting my IS condition recognized.

In the end I'm alone... abandoned and undefined... yet another meaningless existence. Too much pain to keep living...


Maya

7 comments:

Adriana said...

Hmm, the way I see it, life will always be meaningless, as you will die wether you want it or not. However, what you do in your life will let you leave a legacy. Be it good or bad. But as we're humans, we'll die and our legacy may be carried a few years only to die when the last person influenced by our legacy perishes.

So, why is this so important to you? Besides the physical reasons. Why is it so hard to accept? Why can't you be happy with who you are physically? There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not your appearance... Do you not accept somebody because of how they look? Do you judge people by how they look? If that's how it is, then I understand why you can't be happy. But if it's not, then why does it matter? I'm not saying to stop trying to get what you want but to let the physical rule/ruin your life is a little too much. It should be obvious to you already that people still care about you, even after knowing your condition. It's clear that it doesn't make a difference into how people see you.

Life is harder on those that make it harder for themselves...

Now, I do not care if you mention me as this evil witch on your blog. You seem to like doing that and it doesn't say anything good about you. If you don't understand what I've said in this comment or you deny it as "you don't understand how it feels, you don't know" or any of that victim crap then I lose any hope in you. I dislike people who sink anyway. And I know enough to realise that life is not hard if you don't let it hit you like a brick.

Maya Posch said...

I can't be happy with what I am physically because I've got nothing to accept as long as I don't have any facts. Should I be happy with a body which I can't define and which most definitely feels crippled in certain ways, even though the doctors claim everything is perfectly normal (for a male).

Can you imagine going through the process of asking for help from those doctors for now 3.5 years, defending your opinion and having it shot down by them over and over again? What can I do at this point but to either keep defending what I know to be true, or to discard my body because I lack the energy to live with it anymore?

I'm sure as hell not going to live with an anonymous body like I used to before 2005. You don't want to know what kind of nightmare that was.

Further, I don't expect anyone to understand my motivations or how I feel. The same as true for me with regard to others. There are so many things which I do not understand that often I feel more comfortable just locking this strange world out.

Finally, if you think I like to portray you as an 'evil witch' on my blog then you're completely wrong. Aside from the one response to your email that I can't just put my traumas aside (you ever try telling other rape victims that?), I have always respected you as a good friend who has helped me cheer up on many occassions.

This is why I don't understand most people and dislike dealing with them more and more...

Adriana said...

I'm not just talking about me when it comes to "evil witches". And I do know quite a few rape victims that have gotten over it. Both male and female.

I think you're stronger than that. I think you can stop sinking in your own traumas to feel better about everything else. And yes, I have told other rape victims that (to get over it). Specially the ones that I see sinking in drugs right now. Which is one of the reasons I think you're stronger than that. I've not been raped violently but I've been in an abusive relationship, sometimes feeling like I've been raped even though I didn't do much to stop it.

On the other hand, you know that what doctors have said recently were lies because they didn't have the right info to begin with. You know what you've been told and you know what you feel. Why must the physical rule what you feel about yourself? You feel you're female so you must be. Wether or not your body shows it at the moment. And like I said, "I'm not saying to stop trying to get what you want".

The problem that I see is that it consumes your life and you forget about being happy.

John Hoo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Hoo said...

While I wouldn't really tell you to just get over it (AFAIK, in my limited study of psychology, trauma isn't something you just "get over". It takes tremendous effort to simply ignore what the brain deciphers as a highly unpleasant memory.), I will agree with Adriana in that you sometimes forget about being happy...

Seek answers, but please do things that just make you happy too. Afterall, whether or not you get answers, you can't take said answers with you to the grave.

Being satisfied in the end, knowing that you've got/done *most* of the things you want, however, is something you can keep to the very last second.

Don't make it the end of the world if you cannot find the answers you want. Certainly..., while your body is important, it isn't the end all be all of your existence.

Take this analogy. In a river full of fish, you can simply sit there to try and fish one specific fish that you saw, or you can simply take any fish that comes along the way...

You get more fish, and the fish you saw and liked may also be one of the fishes that you catch. You end up better off.

fara~ said...

i just discovered intersexuals...i knew they existed i just never really thought about it. i dont have advise for you because i simply have no experience in this. but i do know how painful being humiliated for being different from others is. not to mention the self loathing and confusion. i went through it(im not intersexual tho) before and was suicidal for a bit too. all before i was even 14. i am not exaggerating. i know your problems must have been ten times more painful. but all i can say is, you were born with the right to live and so, try to live life with as much joy while you still have it. because other's were taken away before they had a chance to live it. if you cant be happy, make it happy.life is yours. you can do what you want with it.



oh and i've got something that you'll probably enjoyyy :D you may think its silly but hey, will you have another chance to do all the things you want in life? just do what you can okay? here it is : http://mangavolume.com/serie-archive/mangas-aiesu/

just scroll down to the very bottom and press Aiesu 1. happy reading :)

Maya Posch said...

Thank you for your post, fara~ :) I have downloaded the manga you linked to and will read it once I feel up to it.