Thursday, 19 June 2008

Welcome, Weirdness~

I got up at around 6 AM this morning, said goodbye to Pieter as he left for The Hague, where he had a talk with some politicians regarding copyright (he's speech person for a large open source movement here in The Netherlands). After that I did some work on this Open Source-related website until around 10 AM when I went back to bed and had one of the weirdest dreams ever.

In it pretty much every single trauma and anything else I find uncomfortable was represented. First there were relationships, with couples moving around inside this rather large house, which induced a severe feeling of distrust, jealousy and other negative feelings. I didn't seem to be really present, other than being a spectator, though it felt as though I did have a physical presence in the dream.

At one point I was sitting on a bed or couch with a few people, including a girl who was just like me and only had her upper body covered up. When someone passed by she covered up her genitals, and after the guy had left, she said something like "Got to keep it hidden from some to appear normal.".

During other scenes in the dream there was this weird 'porn' movie playing on a screen in a bedroom in which I was present together with a few others. I can't recall many details from that part... but it was a quite surreal scene. Definitely uncomfortable.

The dream ended with me having eaten some fruit or so and having to discard left-overs in the kitchen of the house, but being unable to find a waste basket, resulting in me searching over and over again while there were two people there as well. It made me feel embarrassed.

Waking up, I gradually got back to work again, until I got interrupted by a phone call. It was from the woman who lives at my old place in Rijssen now. She had received my letter and thus my phone number. She informed me that she had already called Privatescan and had received my address from them as well as sent the mail to me. I felt rather happy at this news.

I can definitely feel that I'm changing. Ever since I put in this imaginary divide, separating people like them (people who put their basic urges over intelligence) from people like me, I have been able to discard many of the things which used to bother me and really focus on my work. It's as though I have discarded a big part of me, a big, troubled part. Together with it I have seemingly given up on relations, even friendship and especially sexuality. They're things which belong to 'them' and not me. I intend to keep this up until I have certainty about the surgery, at which point I may lower this defense somewhat.


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