Despair...

I can be short about summarizing the past week: Tuesday phone call from Dr Schipper of the Erasmus MC, informing me that on none of the scans anything unusual could be seen. Wednesday the VUMC reported back with the same conclusion. I'm now stuck with four reports from four radiologists, providing me with two completely opposed conclusions.

On Thursday I went to my appointment with Dr Linthorst of the AMC in Amsterdam. He is prepared to help me, but can't offer me much yet. He'll ensure together with my GP that I'll get a psychiatrist as soon as possible, and he'll contact the VUMC since they're still the prime center in this country for the kind of tests and surgery I require. Linthorst at least seems to understand that in the end this is a purely physical question ('what am I?', 'what can I do with it?').

Meanwhile on an emotional level things have really spiraled out of control since the successive batches of bad news. The night of Wednesday on Thursday I got only about 2-3 hours of sleep total, the rest of the time I spent staring blankly at the ceiling and thinking about ending the pain and feeling miserable in general. This feeling has persisted ever since. This morning too I woke up at around 5 AM feeling like killing myself right there and then.

Yesterday I saw my GP for the last time. She's moving to another job. Hopefully her replacement will be at least as considerate. I got new anti-depressants today, the full dose (20 mg instead of 10). I've also got an appointment with my new GP in a week.

I've got nothing planned yet this weekend other than the regular grocery shopping and such. Next week Dr Linthorst as well as Dr Siebel (Germany) will get back to me with their findings. I hope I get positive news next week, because things definitely can't go on like this. Having no certainty about anything, having seen my work of the past 3.5 year basically vaporize in front of my eyes... it's enough to crush anyone's spirit.

The ironic thing in this all, however, is that all students (2nd-year up to PhD) who have seen my MRI image(s) indicate that there is something unusual visible on them and they'd definitely do more research if they were a doctor. I don't want to appear paranoid, but I'm having great difficulty trusting the hospitals here with their conclusions among all this evidence.

I really wish there was a clear course of action now and most definitely some kind of light at the end of this dark and nightmarish tunnel...


Maya