Insomnia...

As I'm typing this it's 4.30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've slept exactly 4 hours. For the past weeks now the time I've slept during the night has been reduced from 7-8 to 5-6 hours and last night I've apparently hit a new score since Wednesday night, when I got in about 2-3 hours. The skin underneath my eyes is definitely gathering an interesting number of changes.

I might have a cold or so as well... I still got excess slime in my throat, started coughing a lot since a few days ago and I feel very tired during the day. My insomnia is probably linked mostly to stress and the anti-depressants. At any rate the lack of sleep isn't helping my general state of mind.

By now I'm absolutely sick and tired of meeting other people. The general pattern always seems to be that they find me interesting and nice, and when I try to get a bit closer, especially with girls I'd like to meet some time, they suddenly start ignoring me, or even vanish completely. I feel more and more tempted to just revert to email-only communication and shut down all my profiles on community sites.

As a break from my usual whining and threatening with suicide, here's a conversation a friend from Tweakers.net held with a US friend who studies for his Dr. in biology after showing a single MRI image of me (K is the IRC friend):
K: what do you think?
G: That does look like a cervical wall. ask a physiologist?
K: I'm not a doctor, but how obvious are both gender types on that xray?
G: It's distinct.
G: They're supposed to take a tissue sample and karyotype in those instances.
G: In the US, anyway.
G: But, it looks like XXY hermaphroditism from the x-ray.
G: I'd want an MRI to confirm.
K: Why?
G: karyotype.
G: that's what I'd do.
G: you take a cell sample...blow it up...see what she is genetically.
K: she has XY chromosomes.
K: so, from what I know, that would make her a genetic male. but, being able to get a female orgasm would make that quite odd.
G: That's why I suggested XXY. What happens is...if during meiosis the sperm doesn't disjoin properly...the X can carry a small piece of Y.
G: That small piece of Y is enough to cause the production of enough testosterone to signal for the zygote to start making portions of male sex organs.
G: See...all fetuses are female, until the Y chromosome says, "make testes!"

So far all students who have looked at my MRI images have expressed similar conclusions. I sent one of them (a Dutch radiology student) the complete set of images. It'll be interesting to hear what he thinks and possibly his fellow students and/or teachers.

Today I'll be composing an email to the Eppendorf hospital in Hamburg, Germany, as they've got a good department for intersexuality and they can hopefully help me with this matter. I might also inquire at the Radboud hospital here in Nijmegen. Supposedly a person who was also hermaphrodite was treated there a few years ago.

This is definitely a case of swimming or drowning... I feel often tempted to just stay in bed and not do anything anymore, just letting everything go to hell (for so far it hasn't yet), but that'd mean the end for sure. If I get some useful things back from the things running right now and these new things I'm starting, perhaps there won't be a need for me to actually kill myself. I've already started hitting myself on the chest and tummy with my fists again, so that's not a good sign...


Maya