Monday, 1 September 2008

Exciting Uncertainty...

First day of September and the countdown to my birthday starts. September 4th for those who forgot. I expect piles of presents on this day, or else I'll shut down this blog... er, wait. I meant I won't shut it down :D

So Friday I got another letter from the Erasmus MC. Cancellation of the MRI scan appointment? Nope, just the same letter as the first one minus the attachments. I still have no idea what's going on there, but I'll see on September 11th, I guess. Pieter will probably go together with me on that day.

Saturday I went to visit friend R in Zevenaar, in the southern part of the country. It was quite a fun day, with a trip to Germany in there as well (for grocery shopping :P ), as well a lot of talking (and crying, for me). I got home around 12.30 AM, nearly fell asleep in the train and awoke feeling like I had been ran over by a truck. Twice.

Yesterday I also got the best news in a while: the girl I told about before who had suddenly vanished is back :) As it turned out she got food poisoning on Monday and thus wasn't able to come here. She spent two days in hospital, suffering tests and from dehydration. At the moment she's still recovering, but she hopes to be there for my birthday :)

It's interesting, though... although I have only really talked to her for about two days before she vanished, I haven't thought about anyone so much in a single week, or been worried about a single person to such an extent. In the email she sent me, she told me she was worried that I might be angry at her, or hurt. Now I must admit that I did feel somewhat hurt when she didn't show up on Monday, worry and confusion were the prime feelings during that time.

I didn't believe she might have just left me because she got afraid or so. It all didn't fit. Truth to be told I'm glad it was something like this and not something with more lasting consequences. Seeing how restless I got with her just missing, I don't want to think about how I'd have felt if I had never heard from her again, or heard on the news that she had died or so... I have experienced once before already what it's like to care about someone but to be completely incapable of conveying those feelings (with the other side having the same issues), and that was (is) bad enough. So yes, I'm relieved :)

Well, I'm still paranoid, I guess... since I still haven't met her in real life and hardly know anything about her. There are still hundreds of warning bells and lights fighting for my attention at every point. Naturally, I'm not the type who easily commits herself to a relationship. I'm not like my brothers who have gone through a dozen girlfriends each by now, at which I just shake my head in disbelief.

The perfect person for me is someone who complements me, with whom I can talk about anything and everything which interests me as well as the other way, and where we can both contribute ideas and solutions to each other's issues. Any other kind of relationship is in my eyes a crime. To see people in a relationship where they both work in very different jobs, have different interests and only have a passing interest in each other, where 'being together' is more of a requirement to exist than to be happy. It's the closest equivalent to Hell I can think of in a relationship.

Anyway, moving on :) I've just managed to get Visual Studio 2005 up and running again so that I can finally resume the work on my AI. There's only a few months left in this year to finish the IO, memory and other subsystems and I want to fulfill my promise to make an AI equivalent to or better than a 12-year old girl. A gifted girl, of course, since I'm using the algorithms of my own brain.

Another challenge is the body of this gynoid (robot with a human female look). I have got a number of artificial muscle designs lying around which I'd like to build and test, but I lack the (financial) resources to do so. I have already rejected the use of servos and other common actuators since they're too clumsy, slow or complex. I really need my own laboratory, I guess...


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