Sunday, 14 September 2008


Well, vanishing girl is gone again. This time she claimed to have been in a car accident and had to go to the GP yesterday because she couldn't sleep from the pain, to vanish without a trail again. At this point I feel it's hard to trust anything 'she' says, so I'm taking my distance and will discuss the matter first chance I get. I shall not write anything more about it lest it turns out that I was just paranoid.

So yesterday I spent all alone. It's incredible how much I've come to rely on Pieter these past months, yet his absence also makes me realize how lonely I am without him. Aside from him there is virtually no one, especially not of my own age, who I can call a friend nearby. No one I can just hop over to and watch a movie, play a videogame or just chat with. I feel so out of touch with the world at these moments.

This morning I woke up feeling.... detached. I've gone to bed with, and woken up with during the night, thoughts mostly about vanishing girl, the things I'd say to her and such. Somewhere in there after deciding to take my distance I also decided to take my distance from my body, to ignore it and all emotions. At this moment my rational side is fully in control and it feels wonderful. I can do anything, nothing bothers me, and I don't need others. Why did I ever decide to let my emotional side develop? It's utterly useless anyway. Suppressing, destroying it is what the proper strategy is.

While I expect that my emotional side will attempt to make a flashy come-back again by crashing in through the roof, I'll do my best to keep it suppressed at least today, leaving me free to do some actual work.



0livia said...

Net je verhaal en reacties op Fok gelezen en vandaaruit naar je website gekeken. Ik kan niet begrijpen waarom je zo raar/slecht behandeld bent door medisch Nederland. Plaatsvervangende schaamte voel ik daarvoor. Ik hoop dat met de informatie die je uit Duitsland hebt gekregen je verder komt en wens je toe dat je bereikt wat je wilt bereiken. Om daarbij te helpen heb ik ook iets gedoneerd. Ik wens je sterkte en geduld.

Maya Posch said...

Dank je wel :)

Echt enorm bedankt voor je steunbetuiging en donatie. Ik kan beiden echt goed gebruiken op dit moment, dus gewoon echt ontzettend bedankt ^_^