Numb.

Not much has happened in the past days. I have done a bit of work, nothing impressive. Most of the time I spent on doing nothing useful whatsoever. The most interesting thing to happen was a few days ago when I received a text message on my phone from my dad, who claimed to want to get back into touch again. After what he has done to my mother, brothers and me, I don't ever want to see or talk to him again.

I sent an updated version of my story to the national TV broadcaster AVRO. Previously they had shown some interest in my story, ergo I thought it only pertinent to let them know what had happened since then. I have no idea whether they'll respond, however.

My general state lately can best be described as 'passive' and 'uncaring', or just 'numb'. The emotional pain doesn't seem to get out at all any more, but just poisons me from the inside out. Outside some projects I work on I really don't care about anything any more, or when I still feel that I do, I quickly withdraw because to do so always means pain and confusion.

Much of the day I spend overcome by what I can only assume are the symptoms of stress, namely a feeling of being extremely tired, dizzy, nauseous and with a headache which slowly gets worse. Sleeping is no longer an escape from this, as shortly after waking up again I'm right back in the same state. Sleeping itself is an ordeal already. More and more often I lie awake for hours, assaulted by dark thoughts, whether it's before I go to sleep, or when I wake up during the night.

I guess that what I'm trying to do is adjusting to my situation, which means withdrawing into myself, much like how things were years ago. Anything beyond purely rational things seem more and more alien to me, though I often fail to see the point of performing rational things as well. I loathe the thought of dying, yet I loathe living just as much.

What does matter any more? Contact with family? Friends? Rubbish. Meeting someone nice I could fall in love with? I can't even love myself, let alone tolerate. Build up a successful company and career? For what purpose? I don't even have an identity or personality, other than that of a freak of nature which is constantly in pain at the realization of its own existence.

I am a freak... as long as nobody can say what my body is, as long as I can not accept such an explanation and live with it, I am a freak. There is no point to this body until then. I hate it, can't stand it, want to hurt, maim and injure it. Emotionally I have snapped ages already, all my rational side is doing is keeping my suicidal tendencies and such in check. You have no idea how many times a day I feel tempted to plunge that sharp pair of scissors, or knife into my flesh.

There's nothing left for me to hope for. In this situation I can not get out on my own, yet nobody can or will help me. I truly wish I was just being depressed and such, but sometimes reality can be very harsh. It's got nothing to do with my looks, as I do look okay, or my intellectual side, as that one is fine too. I should have a great future ahead of me, yet inside I feel this huge turmoil, this chaos, slowly ripping me apart. It makes me wish I would just go insane already so that I won't have to consciously experience this degradation...

Bah... even writing this is pointless... whatever. Just keep watching and pointing as I perform my next trick. Leave me alone...


Maya